Not Human
by TamChronin
Summary: (edited 5/3/03) ~completed!~ Yukito's entire life is changed with two words--
1. White Rabbit

_Disclaimer: This story contains yaoi, though edited for posting on ff.net. What you read here will be the "PG-13" version...but it still centers on the relationship between Touya and Yukito. That means two *guys* if you haven't caught that already. ~laughs~ And, as I am not a member of CLAMP, I can't claim ownership of any of the characters involved in this story. Darn the luck. _

In short, don't flame me for your own narrow-minded viewpoint if you don't approve of the subject matter, and please don't sue me for playing in someone else's playground. Thank you. 

(edited: May 2, 2003) 

* * *

**Not Human**

The White Rabbit

Touya had the most gentle, most kind look on his face when he said those words to me. He was so concerned, and then he was just sweet as he smiled at me and said, "I know you're not human." 

I wanted to cry. How could he say that about me? If I wasn't human, what was I? What--? 

While I was still in shock, shattered by those simple words, my eyes slipped closed against my will yet again and the darkness took over. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

It was dark outside and I was back in the same room I had blacked out in. This time Touya was the one laying in bed and I sat on the chair by his side, feeling better than I had in months. I tried to remember when I had noticed I was feeling weak, but every time I tried to concentrate on the question my mind drifted off to other areas. I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, trying to figure out what was going on. 

Those words kept echoing through my head. _Not human_ he had said. I was not human. That didn't make any sense though. Then again, nothing made sense anymore. I kept blacking out and getting weak and I couldn't help but feel that there was something vitally important going on that I was missing. Like everyone around me knew something about me that I couldn't. And then the words crashed back on me. 

Not human. 

I stood up and started pacing, trying to get the thought out of my mind. I tried to smile and make everyone around me happy, but inside I was feeling very lost lately. I realized that I had been wandering around confused about a lot of things and used my cheer to disguise it. I felt like something was somehow missing. Now I wondered if it was because I'm not human. 

"What's wrong with me?" 

I was terrified. I was bewildered. I was sad. I was lonely. It felt like my reality was shattering around me and showing me glimpses of a world that everyone but me knew already. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to deal with this information? Who was I, really? 

Words formed slowly, reluctantly in my mind. _You are--we are...the masterpiece of a great artist. His medium just happened to be magic._

What was that supposed to mean? It was a phrase that felt as familiar as my favorite pajamas and as soothing as a chocolate cake, but there was no context for the emotional bond I formed with those words. It was a little scary, but it almost felt like a relief to know I'd finally get some answers. 

_I need to explain a few things to you, yes. You deserve some answers. Today Touya gave all of his magic to us to save--to save you. We were dying. I'm sorry._

What? I knew something had been wrong, but it didn't make sense. I was afraid I was dying, but the fear had been shoved aside, almost against my will it seemed. Oh. Then, how did Touya's magic make it all better? That was impossible, wasn't it? 

_We were dying because we didn't have enough magic. I am a magical creation, Yukito, and you are...you are part of me. Without enough magic to support my form and my own magic I can't exist._

I had...I had taken Touya's magic? I had stolen that shining thing that let him see his mother's ghost and let him sleep easy at night, knowing Sakura was safe? I felt so selfish for taking that from him just so I could leech off of him. It wasn't right! How could I have been--created--so that I had to steal that precious thing from someone so kind and wonderful to me? 

_Stop. Please...I--I had been willing to fade away because of that. I would rather not exist than take something that important from anyone by force. I couldn't do that any more than you could. When the magic flowed between us I could tell, he did it out of love. He cares for you very deeply and he gave his gift willingly. He didn't say it out loud, but I got the impression that he would have given his life to save yours._

I settled back, placated. I was very relieved to find out I wasn't part of some monster or something. Yet...what kind of magic creature did that make me? Or us? Or...him? If this other being in my head was the magic creature...what did that make me? Was I a puppet? Was I possessed? 

_One question at a time. I'll answer, but you may not like what you hear._

I looked back down at Touya and my heart melted with a sweet pain. So many times I had hoped he was trying to tell me--something else. Now I knew that it must have been this. That I'm not human. And he knew it all along even when I didn't. How would he ever love me like I love him if I'm not even human? I strengthened my resolve and realized that even if I didn't like what I learned, I needed to know the truth. 

_I was created a long time ago by a very powerful magician. I was one of his guardians. When he died I was left to guard the magic he had stored in a set of cards. Sakura has those cards now, so I am her guardian. You are my false form._

My whole body went cold. False form? I didn't like the sound of that. What about my entire life before? I was a little boy once! How could this magic creation have once been inside that little boy? 

_I created those memories. None of them are real. I wanted you to fit in so you could be close to the cards when I was needed. You needed a past, so I made one up._

This was a nightmare, right? I would wake up, right where I saw Touya laying, and then Touya would ask me what was wrong, I'd tell him I was fine, and life would be back to normal. Right? 

_I'm sorry._

I didn't want to hear any more. It was too much, too painful. 

_I would take that pain away from you, if you will._

It was abominable and yet appealing to think of that pain being so easily erased. This other part of me...this "true" form...had so much control over me. Could manipulate every thought and memory I had. And yet...he wanted me to be happy. 

_No, I won't erase your pain. It wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't be right, and I can't manipulate your feelings. Only memories and sometimes thoughts...but I don't even want to do that to you anymore. I just meant, you should look at things this way. Touya gave up a lot for you tonight. He must care for you very deeply. That alone is a reason to be happy._

This other--whoever he was--was right. Touya loved me on some level, even if it was just brotherly love. He loved me enough to give up his precious magic for me. For me. I couldn't help but feel honored. I sat down on the edge of the chair, leaning over Touya and grinning like an idiot. There was hope. 

The other person--my true form?--was silent. I just sat and contemplated the planes and angles of Touya's face for a small eternity, knowing I wouldn't get this kind of opportunity again any time soon. I just watched over him, grateful for all he had done and content for now with that. He saved my life. 

What more could I ask? 

~~~~~@~~~~~

I almost jumped when I realized Touya was looking back at me. I had no idea how long his eyes had been open, but I know I blushed when I saw his eyes glittering with amusement. My thoughts hadn't exactly been pure when he woke up, and that was probably why it took me a few moments to realize he was looking back at me. I sat up, pulling back guiltily. He was smiling though, so I tried to smile back. 

I tried really hard. 

I gave up and went with concern--that came more easily as I looked at his weakened state. "How are you feeling?" 

"I'm fine now, just a little tired." His voice sounded rough, and weaker than before. 

I just nodded, looking down at my hands. I had never felt this awkward with him--he had been my best friend for years. Finally I couldn't hold the words in anymore. "You saved my life, didn't you?" 

He sat up slowly, then looked me in the eye. "I guess I did. I couldn't just sit back and let you fade away into nothing though." 

"I'll never be able to thank you enough." 

That's when he smiled at me and said, "What are friends for?" 

It was just like him to turn something so serious into something he could dismiss so simply. "But--your power, your magic! What about seeing your mother and--" 

"Shhh...I know what I did, Yuki. I know exactly what I gave up, and I'd do it all over again." 

I felt this overwhelming urge to cry and apologize, but I knew Touya better than that. It would only make him uncomfortable. "Thank you," I said with the steadiest voice I could manage. "Do you want me to walk you home? If you're as tired as I have been it might be a good idea." 

He sighed heavily as if he had a thought that depressed him. "What about **her**? Has she pestered you about the film?" 

I just laughed. I had been left alone the whole time, Akizuki Nakuru had been suitably frightened away by Touya earlier. I was about to say as much when the door opened with a soft knock. 

"Is everything okay here?" It was that boy...the one in Sakura's class. It took me a moment to remember his name, but he looked at me and suddenly the name popped into my mind. Hiiragizawa Eriol. 

"I just woke up," Touya answered and I simply nodded. 

"Nakuru-chan wanted me to ask if the movie could be finished tomorrow afternoon, after school. You are welcome to come back then." 

"We only have that one scene left, To-ya. Will you be up to it?" I smiled, concerned but trying not to be too solicitous. The tables had suddenly turned, and I kept in mind how I had felt. It had been a comfort to me to know that Touya had been worried, but it embarrassed me to be fussed over. 

Touya smiled a little in return and I knew I had said it just right. "It won't leave much time for editing, but I don't think we have a choice. I'll be fine, but I should get home and get to bed soon." 

"If you can wait a moment I fixed food for you two." 

As soon as he mentioned food I felt that familiar hunger well up. It wasn't quite as intense as it had been the last few months, but it was enough that I had to eat soon, and I knew I'd be eating a lot as soon as I got started. I chewed my lower lip, debating with myself. Could I make it all the way home before the hunger took me over, or should I risk awakening my appetite here and be stuck eating while Touya dropped from exhaustion again? 

My concerns were soon set aside as Akizuki-san brought in a tray almost overflowing with food. I winced, expecting another scene with her. I waited for her to hand off the tray to me and jump on the bed, wrapping her arms around Touya yet again and maybe feeding him in his weakened state. I felt a wave of possessiveness go through me, but I reminded myself that I had no right. Not only was she female, but also human--as neither, how could I hope to have a claim on Touya's heart? 

She didn't act anything like I had come to expect. She simply set the tray down on the bedside table and smiled saying, "I hope you enjoy it--both of you!" Her smile did not decrease in magnitude when she smiled at me this time, and she simply left after that. 

I know that at some point I picked my jaw up off of the floor because I needed it to devour the food she had brought. Every bite was delicious, it was all very filling, and for the first time ever Touya matched me bite for bite. At one point I was aware that Eriol had left, excusing himself when he realized we wouldn't be any good for conversation. We ate in silence until it was all gone and Touya deferred the last bite to me, rubbing his belly ruefully. 

"I couldn't stop eating, but that was just too much. I'll gain five pounds just from this one meal I think." 

For me though, it had been just enough so I wasn't hungry. I realized I had never been able to eat until I was full, even though I ate enough to make anyone that didn't know me to stare in shock. I realized that this must be related to my not being human, and essentially eating for two beings. The thought killed my appetite further and I decided I had had enough for one night. 

"We should get you home before your father worries about you, To-ya." 

"All that food did give me a bit more energy. I think I can make it there without stopping now. Thank you." 

The boy, Eriol, met us in the hall and walked us out, wishing us a good night. I was happy to be away from there actually. Akizuki-san (I couldn't bring myself to call her by given name, even in my own thoughts) was still there and probably only waiting for the sting of Touya's rebuff to wear off before she glomped him again. Putting thoughts of her aside though, Eriol made me nervous today. I knew somehow that he was friendly, probably very nice, and he always smiled so kindly--but he made me nervous in a way I couldn't explain, and only right now. 

I shrugged it off as we walked to Touya's house. Tomorrow things would be back to normal, then at the end of the week we would have the festival and everything would be behind us. At least, I hoped they would. Still, after everything that happened today I wondered if I would ever feel "normal" again. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

By the end of the week I was forced to realize that things were never going to be anywhere close to what I had come to think of as normal. It was when I stepped foot in my house that I actually realized it. My first thought was to wonder how my grandparents were and if they were enjoying their cruise. I was smiling at how much they were still in love, wondering if Touya would--when I stopped cold. When was the last time I saw my grandparents? What were their names? Ages? What did they look like? Were they the parents of my mother or my father??? 

I panicked, realizing for the first time that they had been made up as an excuse for me to have a place to live and seem something resembling normal. My God, where was the money actually coming from to pay taxes, to buy food, for utilities...? My head began to spin and I had to lean against the wall. This is what it meant to be not human. I was utterly alone and technically just fooling myself with carefully placed delusions. I groaned in horror, trying not to analyze it too far. Did I really want to know how far this "not human" thing went? 

I realized that suddenly I was Alice in Wonderland, staring at the rabbit hole wondering how far down it went. I giggled at the thought. I couldn't be Alice. I was the white rabbit. I drew my name in kanji to prove it--Yuki Usagi--the snow bunny, the white rabbit. Then I was sure that if I kept myself busy I wouldn't drive myself insane trying to puzzle it out all at once. I wasn't the white queen or the red queen--whichever one it was who could believe impossible things. I was the White Rabbit who kept busy and accepted things in small doses until the insanity seemed normal. 

The week passed in a blur as I dashed from one thing to the next. At lunch I allowed myself to pause for introspection while I made sure Touya stayed awake just long enough to eat, and then I guarded him while he took a nap. Neither of us spoke much. He was too tired and I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I was sure he could tell I wasn't ready to talk about it quite yet--but soon. I would need to soon. But not yet. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

It was the images of the film that finally brought me out of it. Touya was sitting next to me, stronger and better rested than he had been since...since that day. His lines from Akizuki-san's script reminded me of what had happened. "I know what you really are." My grasp on reality began to slip just out of reach yet again. I couldn't watch any more, so I looked down, speaking softly and slowly to the only one who would understand. 

"...not human..." I mused, bothered yet again by those simple words that had so drastically changed my world. "Those times I'm not aware of...the other me takes over." I could feel Touya listening beside me, I knew he had been waiting for this--waiting to talk to me about this. I had to get out the worst part, the part that no lunch-time introspection could get me past. "Everything I remember is a lie." 

"No." He corrected softly. "Everything you remember since we met is real." I looked into his eyes and my breath caught on the lump in my throat. "I'm not really sure what you are," he admitted, "but as long as you're here with me, that's fine." 

My heart raced when I heard those words. He accepted me for who--or what--I was. That meant more to me than anything else he could have said. "Thank you." I would have done anything for him at that moment. No matter how deadly or painful, I wouldn't have hesitated a second to do anything in the world for him. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

Touya had to lay down and get some rest soon after that, so I did my White Rabbit best to entertain Sakura and her friends at the school festival. I had looked forward to exerting myself a little again this year against the basketball team, but was flatly refused. I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered the state I had left them in a year and a half ago, but I was a bit disappointed I couldn't experience that exhilaration this year too. Sakura and her friends weren't too disappointed though because we had won other prizes at other booths along the way. 

We finally found our way to the "Milky Way" maze, being guarded by none other than Akizuki-san herself. Yet...I didn't mind so much running into her this time. She had left Touya alone since filming the last scene of her movie, and I had given a sigh of relief when I realized she had obviously gotten the hint. Now though, she wasn't acting like herself quite. She was still pushy and hyper, but she asked about how Touya was doing and I felt a jolt go through me. Even Sakura stiffened. This was something...unusual. Before I could think about it for even a moment though she was ushering me and Sakura into the maze and holding the other two back for a few minutes. That was the way we had all set the maze up, so that wasn't surprising--but she had rushed us and decided herself how the couples would be divided. I walked through the familiar maze in a bit of a rush at first while I tried to think about this. Something was just slightly off, but not enough for me to figure out right away. 

I was leaving Sakura behind though. I lost my train of thoughts as I realized it, but shrugged it off with a smile as I apologized. We kept walking until we reached the area I had helped out the most with--the constellations area. It was a bit of an open space, and we had used the most lights there with glowing sticks to connect the constellations--I had thought at the time it would be quite romantic for the couples going through. I had hoped to be here with Touya at some point, but that hadn't worked out quite as planned. So, Sakura and I took in the wonder of all that hard work, and I had to admit to myself it looked a lot better with the normal lights out and everything. It really was as romantic as I had imagined. 

Her little girl voice broke into my thoughts with a hesitant rendition of my name. "Yukito-san?" 

"Nani?" I questioned, smiling at her sweet innocence. 

She stammered and stuttered, and the longer she hesitated the more sure I was that I knew what she was trying to say. My heart broke for her, and I hoped against hope that this time really hadn't come. Finally the words came out in a mad rush. "Yukito-san, I love you!" 

I took a deep breath and hoped against hope that when I broke her heart it wouldn't hurt too much. I had known this day would come eventually, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt her. Sometimes love just hurt though. I did what I could. "I love you too, Sakura-chan--but--the person you love most isn't me." Her huge green eyes looked up at me in shock and it was almost too much for me to take. It was too late to turn back now. I explained, "You love your father a lot, right?" 

"Yes." 

"And me?" 

"I love you...." 

I knew better, but I put the seed of doubt in her mind deliberately with my next words. "Those feelings are the same, right? The way you love your father, and the way you feel for me are similar, right?" 

She hesitated, and I thought she would deny it. She had a right to deny what I was saying, but I truly hoped she would just accept what I said since she was so young and unsure. Finally she agreed, "They are...." 

"I'm a lot like him," I explained with more confidence. This was easy to say since anyone could see it was true to some degree. "Since you're so young you're just a bit confused about it." 

"Hai." She agreed. She even smiled, but grew hesitant again. "You knew the whole time?" 

Gently now, I didn't want to hurt her budding ego. "Yes, and I was glad you considered me part of your family." I gave her one of my most genuine smiles because I really loved being considered part of her family. Especially these past few days, when I realized that the Kinomotos were the closest I would ever come to having a family. That was much more important to me. 

I had no idea where the conversation would go from there, but what Sakura said next blew me away. "There's someone you love the most, isn't there?" It was as if she had seen right through me to my true motivation for trying to let her down gently. 

Even so, I couldn't lie about this. "Yes, there is." If only she had a clue who, she might not be so loving and-- 

"It's my big brother, isn't it?" 

She was smiling about it. The thought made her happy. Okay, I've been wrong before, and I was happy to be wrong this time. I went from shocked to happy as I searched her face for any hint of negativity. No, she was purely happy about it. Wow. 

"Yes, it's him," I finally admitted with a smile. "I'm not sure what I'd do without him." 

"He acts mean sometimes, but he's really very nice." 

"Yes." I knew that very well by now. 

"He likes to tease me," she began, but I lost her words as my own mind began a familiar litany of denial. 

I started to try to explain, "Yes--but even though I love him, I don't know how he feels." 

She smiled confidently. "I'm sure he feels the same way!" Her voice got a bit quieter and I strained to hear what she said next, barely making it out. "That's why he gave Yue his magic..." Was that the name of my true self? The name felt right, but...and she knew about the magic transfer? I was about to ask, but she went on stubbornly. "Anyway, he must love you at least as much as I do!" 

I was going to blush if she kept this up. "Sakura-chan," I tried to interrupt. 

No luck, she kept talking. "But, if he's ever mean to you, call me and I'll punish him for you, okay?" 

"Okay," I agreed, going along. Her words were so touching in their innocence! "Thank you. I'm sure you'll find him--the one you love most. And I'm sure he'll love you the most too. Tell me when you find him, okay?" This was going much better than I expected. "And, if he's ever mean I'll punish him for you, okay?" 

"Hai!" 

I thought all would be well, but suddenly things fell apart. I heard a tiny explosion and saw bulbs breaking from the stars around us. Glass was falling all around us, and I had to protect Sakura. My family, my little sister, the Mistress--what? It didn't matter. I held her tight, protecting her as well as I could, holding her against me, wrapping her up carefully in my arms--and my wings--again, what? Oh. Right. My other self. I slipped once again into darkness. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

Would I ever get used to it? That sudden dark emptiness and then suddenly I was somewhere else? Sakura was helping me, standing ready in case I lost my balance. She looked up with concern and understanding, so I reassured her that all was fine. Her friends, Tomoyo and Syaoran, looked concerned for me too, but they hung back as they always did. I wondered idly if Syaoran was her greatest love that she just hadn't recognized yet because of her crush on me. I had a feeling that he realized his own love for her when he got over me. It had been fun for a while, being the center of everyone's attention, but also uncomfortable. I hated seeing people get hurt, and having a crush on someone always led to getting hurt. 

That's when I realized that Sakura's smiling face was lying to me. I had hurt her deeply by rejecting her love. She was hiding it from me so that I would not be hurt in return...but I could see it. I felt like a bug. Not human. Surely a real human wouldn't have been so cruel to someone they loved--I did love her, but I just loved her brother more. That was so selfish of me! I felt so much less than human right then. I wanted to talk to her some more, to explain-- 

Yet, I couldn't explain. If I tried I would hurt her worse. I was tempted though. When I walked them to the front gates of the school I offered to take her home. I couldn't blame her for not wanting to walk with me. She would be safe by walking with her friends, true, but-- 

I just smiled and accepted it. She had a lot to think about. I guess I did too. Maybe if she never found her special someone--maybe if Touya didn't love me the same way--maybe...? 

I shook my head, walking back to the classes. Touya. He was still sleeping alone somewhere in one of the classrooms. I don't know how I found him so fast, but he was asleep exactly where I thought he'd be. I smiled at him, marveling again at how he looked when he was sleeping. All his cares and worries were washed away, and he looked so vulnerable. It made me want to be the one protecting him for a change. Well, maybe not a change. We protected each other in different ways I guess. 

I gently brushed the hair off of his forehead, wanting to just stay there and watch him all night, but it was really getting dark and everything would be closed up and locked soon. With one last sigh I decided to wake him up, stop stalling, just get it done--and his eyes opened. 

"Hello Yuki. Do you suddenly have a thing for watching me sleep?" He smiled at me as he sat up and my heart thumped so hard I felt like I was swaying with it. 

I giggled. "You used to do the same thing to me, so isn't it fair?" 

He chuckled in return. "Yes, I guess it is." 

"It's time to leave now. They'll be locking everything up soon. Did you get enough rest?" 

"Yeah. You know, you didn't have to let me sleep this entire time." 

I just shrugged since I could only judge from my own experience. If I was woken up before I'd had enough rest I was useless for just about anything, no matter how hard I tried. "You woke up in time, so don't worry about it." I smiled as a thought came to me suddenly. "Want to spend the night at my house?" 

He looked at me funny, confused. "We don't have any homework." 

"I know, but I was just thinking--it's closer?" He looked a little irritated, so I hurried with the real reason. "Okay, okay, I just--I don't want to be alone." I swallowed, looking away. It was so hard for me to just come out and say things like that. I had no idea anymore how he'd react. I thought I knew at one time, but I was doubting everything now. A week ago I think I know what his answer would have been. Then again, a week ago I wouldn't have asked. Not like this, not out of the blue, and not just because I was lonely. 

He thought for a moment, then nodded. "Sure, I'll just call Dad when we get there. It shouldn't be a problem. Does this mean you're ready to talk about it?" 

"Yeah, I think I am. If you're up to listening." I smiled gently, hopefully, wanting to finally talk about a lot more than just what he must have thought I wanted to talk about. Sakura had pulled the courage to admit her feelings. I decided to follow her example. I hoped she was right, but even if she wasn't I just couldn't go on without saying it. 

It was time to tell Touya that I loved him. 

~~~~~tbc~~~~~


	2. The Moon

**_Not Human_**

The Moon

After Touya called his dad I started fixing some food. He hadn't tried to keep up with me again, but he was still eating more than usual, so I fixed a lot. I was keeping myself busy again, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say and how to start. Worry gnawed at me--until the smell of dinner finally penetrated my senses. I had always thought it was my grandparents who taught me to cook so well, but now I knew that couldn't be. I could still pull up memories of being told that cooking with love made anything delicious. This other me must have come up with that, and anyone who could give me so many happy and loving memories had to be--well--wonderful. 

Suddenly it didn't hurt so much that my grandparents weren't real. Their love still was, no matter where it had actually come from. Whoever this Yue was, I knew he had loved deeply and been loved absolutely at some point. There were too many wonderful memories he had created for me for it to be otherwise. 

I finally decided how I could start the conversation. Touya was helping me cook, so I just started as soon as I thought of the right words. "To-ya, tell me about Yue." 

"I don't know much really," he said with a shrug. 

"But, well, that is his name?" 

He gave me a curious look. "How did you know if--" He broke off at a loss for words. 

"I was talking to Sakura today and she said something, and when she said that name it just somehow felt right." I wasn't ready to tell him the specifics of the conversation yet, but I would. After I got rid of a few of the butterflies in my stomach. 

He just nodded. "Yes. That's his name." He gave me a reassuring smile. "What do you want to know, Yuki?" 

"Everything," I admitted with a grin. "I'm not even sure what questions to ask. Uh--what does he look like? Does he look like me?" 

He gave me a playful chuckle. "No, he doesn't quite look like you, but you've been looking more like him lately." 

I hadn't noticed any changes! What was different? How--? "What do you mean," I asked, panic coloring my voice. 

His eyes twinkled as he answered. "Lonely. You never looked this lonely before, and that's what he looks like every time I see him." 

I gave him a smile for his joke on me, then went serious again. "I'm serious, To-ya. I want to know." 

He started out with a kind smile and assured tone, but as he spoke his voice took on a dreamy quality. I had never heard him sound so poetic before. "Yue looks like an angel. He is as cold, distant, lonely, and beautiful as the moon. He has your pale skin, your slight build, but he's so different as well. I can't imagine his face being as open and trusting as yours for one. He looks like he's been hurt, emotionally, and--wait. I shouldn't be talking like that. I'm sure he's listening." 

The voice came to me again. _Yes, I am listening._ I nodded, acknowledging Touya's words, but I didn't want him to stop. 

He looked slightly uncomfortable, but went on. "His hair is long and snowy white except in front where it's short. It hangs in his face almost the same way your hair does. His eyes are slitted, like a cat's, and sometimes they're silver and sometimes they're a deep violet or blue, like the craters of the moon. He has huge wings, large enough to wrap himself up in, and they are pure white--" 

"That much I know...I've seen feathers around and sometimes I can almost see--" I shook my head. It was giving me shivers to think that this was somehow me he was describing with such awe. "But, you said he is cold and distant?" That part had made me terribly sad. 

"Yes. He's very formal and...distant," he finished with a shrug. 

"He sounds terribly shy," I mused, thinking of how I could have described Touya with those same words that first day I met him. I had somehow understood that distance in Touya's eyes and knew just how to invite myself in. I let out a shaky sigh as more pieces fell into place in the enigma that was my life. 

"Maybe..." Touya mused, and we fell into silence for a while. 

"Tell me more?" 

"I don't know what to say." 

I shot him an exasperated look. "Okay, how long have you known?" 

He smiled wistfully. "Since the first time I saw you. I could tell immediately that you were more than just what you showed the world." 

"You didn't tell me?" I was hurt, and couldn't explain why. It almost felt like he had been lying to me. 

He just took it in stride, calmly explaining. "At first I wasn't sure what to think. I thought you were hiding the truth from me on purpose, so I wanted to let you know you could trust me with your secret. It took me a while to realize that you didn't know either, and then things kept coming up. When it finally became important for me to say something, **she** kept getting in the way." 

It made a strange sort of sense that it was Akizuki-san who had gotten in the way of the truth. I had assumed something else, that he was trying to admit--something else. Maybe she did too? And as far as that "something else", well, I would confront that issue tonight. It didn't matter one way or the other if that was actually what he had been what he wanted to say. What mattered was that it mattered enough to me that I had assumed it, and the matter needed to be dealt with, soon. Tonight. 

Not yet though. 

After dinner. 

"So, what about--everything else?" 

He just shrugged. "Sakura has more answers than I do. I've just been standing on the sidelines, hoping she'd trust me with at least part of it. She'll tell me when she's ready, but that doesn't leave me with a lot of answers for you." 

"But...what can you tell me?" 

"I don't know exactly when everything started. I think it was about the time I was working at the aquarium and all those strange things happened there. I knew for certain that something serious was going on with her the day she was sent home from school for being so sick. I suspected before then, but that night I went upstairs to give Sakura her medicine and she wasn't there. It looked like she was there, but it was the same spirit I was trying to help when I broke my leg. 

"So, at that point I knew that she was using a lot of magic suddenly and getting more powerful all the time. A lot of strange things were happening around her, but she was working to stop them somehow. She was able to capture magic spirits and use their powers later to help her. What she was doing was so important to her that even when she was too sick to stand up she felt compelled to save the day from whatever was out there. And it all had something to do with that damned stuffed animal she had started carrying around everywhere about a week before I noticed there was dangerous magic on the loose around town." 

"I see. Where do I fit in with all of this?" 

Touya didn't answer right away. He moved back and forth, setting the table and setting the food out for us. We were kneeling across from each other at the table before he started talking again. "I had no idea you were mixed in with everything, but it made sense in retrospect. The day of the archery contest, when there was that earthquake--" 

"The first time I blacked out," I recalled with a shudder. 

He simply nodded and finished the bite of food he had taken. "Yeah, I guess it would have been. I was getting out of work and I--I felt something. There was an intense magic building up around Sakura, and I thought that this time she was in over her head. I rushed to find her, and when I turned the corner I--" He paused for a while, eating while I could tell he tried to put what he had seen into words. "I saw...you were unconscious at first, but there was this glow, and you started floating. Then, there were these wings and you...you became Yue." His eyes had been wider than usual as he tried to describe it, and his voice was hesitant. When he said the name of my other self his expression suddenly became guarded, then he looked up and shrugged. 

I shivered, not sure suddenly if I wanted to hear what happened next. I didn't know what to make of Touya's expression. We ate in silence for a while before he started talking again. 

"I wanted to run to Sakura's side and protect her, but I was getting used to standing aside and just watching. Kaho was there too, and I knew she would never allow Sakura to get hurt. I didn't understand any of what was happening, but I knew that Kaho was...on the inside. She knew, and she was firmly part of it all, and Sakura accepted that. So I stood aside and just watched. 

"It wasn't easy. 

"I couldn't hear much of what was being said, but it was some sort of a magical trial. Sakura's friend, that brat, was the first to be tested by Yue. It was--a very serious test of abilities." 

I couldn't help myself. "How serious? Was--was he hurt?" 

His eyes got soft as he looked at me, and he smiled reassuringly. "Not seriously." 

It wasn't very reassuring, but I nodded and accepted it. "Then Sakura was next," I said, frowning. I really didn't like this, thinking about hurting those two at all. Syaoran had been entertaining his own crush on me before, and it was just wrong to hurt them after how kind they had both been. Sakura loved me. Syaoran was always showering me with gifts, though he seemed to have gotten past that finally. At that time though--I heaved a huge sigh and Touya reached across the table to pat my hand. 

"Sakura didn't want to fight, and didn't understand why she had to. I could tell, even from a distance, that it was hard for her--and I don't want to tell you the rest. You've got a haunted look on your face." 

"No, it's okay," I lied. 

"Yuki, you stopped eating five minutes ago and there's still food on your plate. You don't need to hear the rest. Maybe later when this isn't all so new, but not now." 

I realized that he was right and shook my head. I took a few deep breaths until I could smile again, then I started eating, slowly. That seemed to placate Touya because he gave my hand a squeeze and smiled. 

"The important thing is that Sakura won. I don't know what was at stake, but there was powerful magic that night. Since that night Yue has been on her side, helping her and protecting her, but I can't tell you why or any other details. He's bound to her somehow, but the only reason I know that is because it was her magic that wasn't enough to sustain both of you. I've been trying for a while to get you alone long enough to--to offer to help. To give you my own power." 

"Guardian." The word slipped from me without thought. I blushed as he looked at me strangely and I realized I had said it out loud. "I--he said he's her guardian--one of her guardians. That night, when you gave him--us your power. He spoke to me in my mind a little, explained a few things, but not much." I was so confused suddenly. "To-ya, this is so hard to understand. I'm not even sure where I end and he begins, and a week ago I didn't know he existed." I tilted my head up, staring at the ceiling. My emotions were threatening to overwhelm me again, and I didn't want to do that. Not now. Not in front of Touya. It took a few minutes for me to find my smile again, and even so it was only a whisper of my usual cheer. 

"I wish I could give you better answers. You deserve them after all. I just don't know any of them." 

I found a bit more of my smile and gave it to him. "I know. It's okay. I'm not sure I'm ready for more yet anyway, so don't worry." 

He smiled at me then, and I just melted. My smile turned into a silly grin and I felt better than ever. We finished eating in silence while I tried not to think about what I wanted to say to him. I was starting to feel giddy and nervous, but I kept replaying Sakura's words in my mind as she assured me that he must love me at least as much as she does. Then again, she was still a little girl, she couldn't know--she might be mistaking close friendship for love. Or, had I been mistaking love for close friendship the last two years? He said he knew I wasn't human the entire time, so his feelings wouldn't change one way or the other, right? 

But, what about what I--what my other self had done to Sakura? I didn't know how bad it had been, but whatever it had been must have been hard for him to watch. Then again, that had been months ago, and he never really acted that differently. Actually, he had been more protective of me since then. 

I was about to talk myself out of telling him again when I realized I had run out of food. We cleared the table together, then started doing the dishes. I washed while he rinsed...and I found myself blushing every time we'd run into each other, or my arm would brush against his, or our hands would touch as he grabbed a plate from me.... I giggled. His fingers were covering mine, and long moments passed before he shifted his hand and released me. I smiled up at him, and noticed that he was blushing too. I never realized before that he did that. But...he did. Every time. I wondered how I could have not noticed all this time. We finished the dishes all too soon in my opinion--after I saw him blush it had suddenly become a lot more fun. 

"So, after I fell asleep, what did you do today?" 

He sounded like he was trying to change the subject, even though we hadn't been talking. I smiled at him, wondering if he was trying to stop his own run-away train of thoughts. "It went pretty much the way you'd expect. It was fun. There were a couple of things though--" I stopped, debating with myself. Should I tell him I'd had another blackout? He'd only worry about it, especially now that he couldn't be there himself. Then again, this wasn't exactly the kind of thing I could hide from him. He was so protective of Sakura, and if he found out I was hiding something that important from him he'd be upset. 

Then again, he guessed it without me saying a thing. "Something happened? With Sakura?" 

"Yes. And yes. I guess Yue was needed for something. I don't remember anything about it though." I shrugged apologetically. 

"Of course. I'm sorry. I--it's just a little strange still to not know when things happen." 

"Do you want me to tell you?" 

He looked at me, startled. He thought about it, then graced me with one of his earth-shattering smiles. "I might not be able to do anything about it, but I'd still like to know. I'd appreciate it." 

"Sure! It's the least I can do." We smiled at each other for a bit, then I worked up the nerve to bring up the rest of what happened. All of it. "That's not all that happened today though. Sakura-chan pulled me aside to tell me that she loves me." My voice was soft and I lowered my eyes, realizing that this was going to be harder to talk about than I thought. 

After a long pause I searched Touya's face for a reaction. He had his blank face on and I worried a little. He finally nodded, but kept his face neutral. "What did you say?" 

I turned away, unable to face that look. "What could I say? I don't love her that way--she's like a sister to me." 

"How did she take it?" 

I almost wondered if my life depended on my answer. He was more protective of his sister than anything in the world. "She was smiling, and I tried to be as gentle as I could, but I think it hurt her. Her smile was just, I don't know. She just seemed like she was trying too hard to be happy after that, like she was trying to cheer me up." I hesitated a moment, forcing myself to go on, but my mouth went dry. This was the important part. This was what I had wanted to say for the longest time. Once I started the next part, there was no turning back. "She--she asked me if there was someone I loved instead of her." 

He just gave me that Typical Touya look. Still neutral, but more intense. I had all his attention now, but I was suddenly unsure if I wanted it. "And?" 

"Yes. I told her yes." He gave me a look of dark confusion as he tried to puzzle out who it could be. I don't know how I got the words out through my constricting throat. "She asked me if it was you." 

I couldn't tear my eyes from his dark gaze. The silence went on and on for a maddening amount of time. Finally he spoke again. "And?" 

I couldn't breathe. There was no way I'd be able to talk. I simply nodded. 

How long did we stand there like that? I have no idea. To me it seemed like forever, but since I didn't pass out from lack of oxygen I knew it couldn't have been too long. He leaned closer and touched my cheek, finally smiling slightly. I was able to breathe again, and I gasped, trembling at his touch. I was lost within his eyes noticing how they dilated slightly as he drew closer. His thumb brushed across my lower lip slightly before his eyes closed. I closed my own eyes in anticipation as my heart hammered in my chest. I was shaking all over as his lips pressed against mine, and I held my breath as I became that moment of intimate contact. It was a dream come true and finally I sighed and melted into his arms as they wrapped around me. 

He straightened up and just held me close and I pressed my ear to his chest, entranced by the sound of his pounding heart. I recognized that he was telling me his own feelings without words--like he had been all along. Hadn't I been doing the same though? Trying to get the point across without risking everything with words. 

He pulled away a little, just to catch my eyes. "Thank you," he said gently, arms still securely around me. I just smiled and pulled him close again, not wanting to end this moment. His fingers played with my hair and I shivered. I had never realized how intimate a feeling it was to be touched on the nape of the neck, but when he put his hand there I just wanted to moan against him. My own hands were resting comfortably on the small of his back, then with daring I inched one hand lower. I finally slipped my hand in his back pocket and enjoyed the deep breath he took as I gently squeezed. I almost laughed with pure joy, never daring to believe before that this would happen. Then I made up my mind to be even more daring--and Touya yawned. "We need to stop," he finally said as if reading my mind. 

I pouted. I couldn't help it. 

He laughed, but it was punctuated with another yawn. "First of all, I'm too tired, and I don't want to start anything that can't be finished." He grinned, but his eyes were slipping closed. Had I been that tired all the time? Yes, I had been. It would be a while before Touya had enough strength for much more, and he still had his part time job to return to. 

Guiltily, I let go. "What's the second of all," I asked. 

He frowned, then sighed. "Second of all, we're not the only two who need to make this decision. Sorry." He pulled away and started heading for the bedroom. 

"What?" I couldn't think. Why shouldn't we be the only two? We were the ones who loved each other. 

He stopped and turned, giving me a LOOK. Oh. Right. How could I forget? Yue. 

My heart constricted. I cursed under my breath. This was a lot more complicated than I thought it would be. 

~~~~~tbc~~~~~


	3. Night Skies

_Note: This chapter has two versions. One that is safe for ff.net and stays well within the PG-13 limit--and one that does not. If you would like to read the version of this chapter that contains a lemon scene, please go my site and read there. (This is where I grumble at ff.net for erasing the direct link...that was a tad bit frustrating. I'm sorry for making all the lemon fans go look for it themselves!) Otherwise, feel free to read this version in safety._

* * *

**_Not Human_**

Night Skies

I didn't see Sakura all week. Touya assured me she wasn't avoiding me, but I still wondered. I didn't get to see him much either. He still took naps at lunch, and he was very busy with work, so we didn't talk nearly as much as I wanted to. It wasn't until Saturday afternoon that Sakura called me to invite me to the festival at Tsukimine shrine. Touya and I had already planned on going--it was an excuse to go somewhere together. We were also going to spend all day Sunday before the festival together. To talk. 

Okay, okay, I was hoping there would be more than just talking. I was almost sure there would be cuddling and kissing at least, but that's where I was sure things would stop. The matter of Yue still had to be resolved, and I had no idea how to go about that. 

The moon was approaching full that night and I decided it would be a perfect night to moon gaze from my roof. I didn't have any set time that I needed to wake up in the morning, so I could stay out as long as I needed. Before, when I had thought I was alone because my grandparents were on vacation, it was the moon that had comforted me and made me feel...not so lonely. I needed that more than ever right now. 

_You aren't alone. I'm here._ It was that familiar voice again--like mine, but not. Yue. 

I wished I could talk to him, see him face to face. There were so many mysteries in my life, and he had the key to them all. He was the biggest of them all. If I could somehow put a face on that I thought it would make it all more manageable. 

_I wouldn't know how to do that. Not while we're two such separate beings. Though, when you look upon the moon, you see more than you realize._

That didn't make any sense to me...and as soon as I thought that, I could feel the smile of some older and wiser being than me. 

_We were created with the energy of the moon, that's why you've always felt that pull._

Oh. That did make sense. I laid back and basked in the cold glow of the moon, feeling energized. It was something I had never thought about, but had always felt. Now that particular habit of mine made a lot more sense. 

This time though, that energy made me feel light headed and almost drunk. It was just a little bit more than I knew what to deal with, and within me Yue was chuckling. 

It's nothing to worry about, I promise. I've done this, felt like this, so many times I can't tell you. It will help Mistress Sakura, and right now that's a good thing. 

I wanted to laugh about anyone calling her "Mistress Sakura." She was such a sweet and innocent little girl, and too much like a little sister or true friend to think of like that. I didn't laugh though because even though it seemed a silly concept to me, it must not have been at all to him. 

_I've actually been trying to be strict with myself, calling her Mistress internally, because it was so hard to accept her in Clow's place._

The tone of his thoughts had turned melancholy. I felt a thrill of emotion at the name Clow, and it was something like when I thought about Touya, only much deeper and sadder. I had to wonder who the person behind the name was. 

_Our creator._ The tone became wistful. _And more...much more._

I could tell that. It was a feeling of love. Familiar passion that was so deep it would last for centuries and never die--but--I had a terrible feeling suddenly. Not that the passion had ever died, but our creator had died. Why else would Sakura be the Mistress? 

_Yes, he died. A long time ago. It still feels like it was yesterday though, and it hurts like I had been the one killed that night. We loved each other very deeply._

I couldn't help myself. I wondered if what I felt for Touya seemed like a silly infatuation to someone who had loved so deeply for so long. It was--embarrassing to know that my most personal thoughts and feelings and insecurities were bared to this other I was just learning about. What did he really think of me and my petty problems? 

From within me he laughed. I laughed. We laughed out loud together. I felt waves of love and acceptance that I had always associated with memories of family. My suspicions about Yue's personality being reflected with my memories became justified. _Yuki! Your problems are not petty, they keep me sane. Your thoughts and feelings and insecurities are a part of me, so how could I judge you for them? Your love for Touya--_

He paused and we both sighed with the weight of his emotions suddenly. 

_Your love for Touya is true--and it is painful for me. I didn't want to burden you with that though. This is my problem to deal with, not yours._

I shook my head, wondering how someone who shared my life so fully would think that any problem one of us had couldn't be the other's. Even if we tried our hardest from now on to ignore each other, there was still Touya. He would never want any part of me to be so sad, even if it wasn't a part of me that was me. 

_You're right, my problems are becoming your problems. How do you propose we solve that? I'm lonely, I hurt, and yes, every piece of your soul is a part of mine that I'm becoming more and more aware of every day. I used to be able to let you go, pretend I was dreaming, but now we are too aware of each other._

I really didn't know what to think about that. How exactly would Touya help Yue? I knew he'd be willing. I was sure the power transfer, to Touya, hadn't been just about me, even if the greatest motivation was to save me. Touya would want to help, but how? 

_Yukito...think about this. I am feeling your feelings for him. When the two of you touch, I wish it was me that his hands were pressed against. Do you want him to heal this loneliness? How would it make you feel to know he was in my arms instead of yours?_

I shivered and pulled myself into a ball, overwhelmed by the insecurity that thought inspired in me. It was an instant reaction, fueled by my feelings of not being real. Touya was my anchor in reality, he was the part of my life that made me real instead of--instead of what I really was? What had really hurt was the thought that Touya would love Yue more--no, the thought that he would love someone that wasn't me more. If he stopped loving me, I wouldn't have any reason left to exist really. I might as well be just a mask at that point. Maybe it wouldn't be that drastic, but I certainly wouldn't enjoy life nearly as much. I realized that I wasn't thinking about it clearly though. 

_You'd feel like he was cheating if he was with me._

Yes. And no. I needed to think about that more. Was there another way to help Yue? He was silent while I thought this over. It wouldn't exactly be easy for him to meet others to fall in love with...and even if he loved another it was still my body too. I thought this part over for a long time. If he found someone among the few people who knew about him, there was still me. I wasn't sure if his feelings would bleed through, but mine for Touya had--it was possible. I would feel disloyal though. At best it would be unsettling. 

_Like I would feel disloyal to Clow if you--_

This was not good. It seemed like there were no answers suddenly. Then I thought again of Touya and Yue. Together. It was easier to think of than...anyone else. 

_No...that wasn't the point! I--I'm just so scared. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to tell you to stay away from Touya, I don't want you to feel you can't trust him, or me. I'm just so tired of hurting all the time. I just feel so lost, Yuki. I never felt this way when Clow was alive, and now he's not and I'm so scared to get close to anyone, and Touya reminds me of that...._

We'd figure something out. Somehow. I really just didn't want to be left out. I didn't want to miss a moment with Touya. I knew that it wasn't so much that I didn't want to share Touya as I didn't want him to love someone else more than me. I didn't want to lose him. 

Yue was quiet for a long time after that. I just spread out on the roof and took in the beauty of the moon and the night sky. As always, my thoughts turned to Touya. I had a one track mind if I let it idle, and I just wished he could be here, next to me. I let my mind drift to what I wanted to do, how I would be if he sat down next to me. I couldn't help it. I didn't do it for any other reason than it was a fantasy I had fallen back on many times to distract me from anything unpleasant. 

Then I felt a shift within my mind and remembered I was not alone. How could I have forgotten, even for just a few moments? It was...it was automatic for me. And yet, I wondered how I could be so cruel. 

_No, don't be like that. Please. We need to feel more comfortable with each other, not less._

But, I didn't want to hurt my other self. 

_I don't want to hurt you either. Neither of us want to be left out--over time we won't have to be._

What? 

_Now that you are aware of me, now that we're talking and sharing, we will gradually merge I'm sure. Don't be scared...please...don't be afraid of--of me._

But, I was afraid. He was afraid too. It was a big change to go through. 

_We'll take it as slow as you need._

I think I understood better why he had asked me the questions he did and wanted me to think about certain things. Not to hurt me. To understand me better--and to help me understand myself. If he and I were to become closer and closer--eventually merge--we would both have to come to terms with our insecurities and not be too ashamed to share them with each other. 

_If we don't, it will be painful and difficult._

I just smiled. Eventually I'd have the answers. Eventually I wouldn't feel so incomplete. Eventually I wouldn't have to fear that others liked me for something I wasn't. I wouldn't be a mask, I'd be completely real. 

And in the mean time I had another friend who would never leave me. 

_Friend?_ He sounded stunned and surprised. I couldn't help but laugh. 

Of course! 

~~~~~@~~~~~

Touya didn't arrive until lunch time the next day. He had planned on coming over in the morning, but he said he had slept later than he had expected. Still, he didn't look as tired as usual. 

I welcomed him in with a warm hug, ushering him in quickly toward the table. "You're just in time! I just finished cooking." 

He laughed. "You never change." 

I just smiled, not wanting to talk about the impending change that stared me in the face. He'd realize it soon enough. I just wanted to eat. We talked a lot about nothing much over lunch, cleaned up quickly, then went to the living room, facing each other with our backs resting against each end of the couch. We mirrored each other, pulling our legs up and resting our arms and heads on our knees. I reached a hand out to him, and he took my hand in his, lacing his fingers between my own. His dark skin was a delicious contrast against mine, and I felt at peace with even just this contact. 

"So, where do we go from here?" I smiled at him, squeezing his hand a little. 

His dark eyes peered into mine, searching for something I didn't know how to help him find. I just kept smiling, deciding to enjoy the time I had with him, even if he wasn't answering my question. He finally sighed, shaking his head. "I don't know. Shouldn't I be the one asking you that question?" 

That inspired me to try my hand at an evil grin. "Well, if it's up to me, I have a few ideas--" 

Touya looked shocked. I just laughed. He sighed and looked away, thoughtful. "I had hoped you would talk to Yue somehow. I don't know how this works though. Can you--?" 

"Yes, he and I can talk to each other. I'm not sure what you've wanted me to talk to him about. Maybe you should talk to him yourself, ask him the questions you need." I frowned a little. This wasn't what I had imagined doing with our day. 

"That's not what I meant. I just wanted to know a few things. Get things straightened out." 

"Touya, I don't want to be spoken through. Please." Before anything else could be said I felt reality fading from me. Touya's face looked frustrated, but I wasn't really controlling the change. I was just going along with it. 

... 

When I woke up I was standing, looking out at the privacy of my back yard. The bamboo grew very tall at the fence, keeping everything that occurred there out of prying eyes. The sun was lower in the sky, telling me that there had been a lot more talking than I had expected. There was a wash of dizziness and disorientation, so I leaned against the door frame that was conveniently close. 

"Are you okay?" Touya was slightly behind me, off to the side. He looked thoughtful and concerned. 

"A little confused," I admitted. Then I smiled. "I am okay though, so don't worry." 

He came closer and wrapped his arms around me and I wanted to melt. My smile became softer, wistful, and I reached around to hold him too, listening to his heart thump in his chest. "Before we talk, try to figure things out, do anything else at all, I just want to hold you and tell you one thing. I love you." 

I looked up into his eyes, seeing them pure and honest and not guarded for a change. The eyes expressed the love he felt for me better than his words had. I smiled, thrilled to finally hear those words from him. "I love you too, Touya." Another perfect moment. Yet, I knew it would be over too soon. There was a lot to talk about. My smiled shifted into a gentle grin. "Now, what do we need to talk about?" 

He propped himself up against the outside wall, so I stood in front of him, waiting. "I still don't know where to begin." 

Is it redundant yet to say I smiled? I know, I do that a lot. Still, this smile was to encourage him to go on. It didn't work, so I asked, "What about telling me what the two of you talked about for so long?" 

"What about I just hold you some more?" 

"To-ya, I--" 

He crushed the air out of my lungs, holding me so tight and so close it was almost scary. He said, in a voice choked with emotion, "When I said I loved you, I meant every bit of you. Everything about you. Is that okay?" 

I smiled into his chest, knowing what he meant. Before last night those words might have scared me, but now they were of great comfort. "Yes To-ya, it's perfectly fine with me." 

~~~~~@~~~~~

We went to the festival, and Sakura was as good as her word. She was happy, accepting, and made sure that everyone but Touya had fun. Even--even when the power went out, she used her magic to illuminate everything. I don't know how, I don't need to know how, but it was just like her to make sure everyone had as much fun as they could, no matter what. I remembered something from another festival though, summer, when Sakura and I had wandered into the trees and found the same strange glow in the air. That must have been where she found that magic. It had been another of those eternal moments that I wished had never ended. 

I suppose I have a lot of those. 

Things became busy again for Touya. We talked though, growing closer and closer, on the verge of taking another step closer. It just wasn't quite time yet. I don't know how we kept our hands off of each other, I really don't, but we each waited for a time that seemed right. That time was not now. 

When the snow began to fall my thoughts turned melancholy, recalling things in the distant past that had nothing to do with anything that had really happened. I knew somehow that I was trying to associate the snow fall with an important memory that just wouldn't come. No, not my birthday...though that was a recurring theme. The sparkling, glowing stuff that had fallen the night Sakura had given me that adorable doll for my birthday--it hadn't been snow, but I had no idea what it could have been. My mind kept coming back to that though. There was a clue there--an association that I just wasn't making. 

Then, I remembered a man with long black hair, glasses, pale skin, and a smiling face. I worshipped him, I loved him, I adored him. He sat in a red chair that looked so comfortable I wanted to sit there with him, damn the fact that there was no room. But, this memory was sad. This man, the love of my entire existence, was saying something about dying. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kill, I wanted to die, and I wanted to weep in his arms. I couldn't do any of those things. 

It was Clow Reed. This wasn't my memory to have. I jolted myself out of it with a shock, realizing that it had been snowing that night, just like now. The night Clow Reed died. 

_I'm sorry, Yuki. I didn't mean to share that with you. It was too painful, too personal. I shouldn't have burdened you with my grief._

I sighed heavily. We had been through this before. Well, not the painfully intrusive memory part--that was new. But, we couldn't be so scared of sharing things. Any problem one of us had had an effect on the other. We needed to share things as they came up. 

_Yes. And no. It was a poor introduction to a wonderful man. It was a poor glimpse of my life. It doesn't do either of us justice._

But I thought it did. What kind of man was Clow Reed that even when facing death he could smile and try to reassure those he loved around him? What kind of being was Yue that he could love so deeply and be so loyal? It was almost frightening how intense the image was, but at the same time it was a key to much more. More that I would find out later on, but not tonight. 

_Go to bed, Yuki. Tomorrow will be another day, and I have a feeling that the end is approaching. We need rest._

And so I slept. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

I was enraged. No he was enraged. I had never felt anything like it, but it was pure anger and it didn't allow for anything else. What happened? The last thing I remembered was standing next to Touya and feeling that Sakura needed me and we ran--I had a vague recollection of Touya falling asleep and.... Which ones were my memories? I had picked up Touya in my arms with love and concern, but that wasn't me. It was a jumble. What was going on? 

_He's alive! Clow is alive! I thought I was insane to have been feeling his presence, but he's alive, and he left me--_

I felt to my knees, sobbing his tears. There was nothing else I could do. I vividly recalled the words Yue had said that night on the roof, how when Clow died it felt like he had died. Yue had loved so deeply. How could Clow be alive and abandon that love? How could he be back and not--just--how could he? 

I cried alone in my home until I was numb. It took a long time because every time I thought I was cried out, Yue would remember and remember and remember...it was a vicious circle of pain that took a long time to play out. Finally, finally, I could cry no more. And I looked up at my door to see Touya's silhouette standing there. 

"I'm sorry, Touya. Now is not a good time." I was feeling too sick to think straight. My voice didn't even sound like my own, and I didn't want to face him with this. It was too much to contain. 

And yet, when he turned to leave, I stood quickly and pulled him in to me. "Wait! Please! Don't leave me." I was so terrified of being left. I didn't want to be abandoned. I needed him to stay with me. 

"Hush, Yuki, I won't leave you." Then he guided me inside and took me carefully to my room. I clung to him tightly, loathe to stop touching him for even a moment. I was trembling, unable to control my emotions or hide them behind my usual smile. I was raw. I didn't even feel like me entirely, since all of these emotions were coming out in waves from Yue. He couldn't control them any more than I could though. There was too much, and the depth of the pain was too great. 

It was with desperate need that I pulled Touya in to that kiss. His eyes were wide with shock at the intensity of it, but his eyes slowly shut and I allowed my own to close, letting touch reassure me. I moaned into his mouth, hands busy unbuttoning his shirt. I trembled so bad that it took forever to do. I had unbuttoned my own shirts so many times it should have been easy! I tugged his shirt impatiently, wondering if having it free of his pants would make the buttons behave better. 

Touya grabbed me by the shoulders, gently but firmly pulling me away. "Yuki? Now? I mean, are you sure?" 

I almost growled with impatience. "To-ya! I. Need. You. Right. Now!" 

He gave up the pretense of being noble. 

~~~~~tbc~~~~~


	4. Beautiful Dreamer

**_Not Human_**

Beautiful Dreamer

Was it wrong for me to be so happy and still feel this terrible? My love had become my lover. He had comforted me in my need. For that alone I wanted to dance with joy and sing out loud about how wonderful the world could really be. But--nothing had been resolved. Clow was reborn. Why was I here? 

Selfishly I was thankful for Clow rejecting Yue. If he hadn't, I wouldn't be here. At all. I wouldn't have found Touya, or Sakura and her friends. I wouldn't exist at all, and existing was precious to me. There had been too many good things in this life, short though it really was, for me to want to regret living it. 

Still, on that fundamental plane of being who I am deep within, I felt rejected. How could anyone cast Yue (me) aside for any reason? What was wrong with Yue (me)? I tried not to take it personally, but I couldn't stop. 

So Touya walked me home from school, kissed me with a promise of many more delights to come, and I walked inside and allowed myself to disappear. 

.... 

I wasn't too surprised to find myself standing outside of Akizuki-san's house. She hadn't been in school, and something told me that she had something to do with, well, everything. I had no idea what, but bits and pieces were adding up in my mind and I somehow knew that she was involved with all the magic. 

_She's Eriol's moon guardian. Ruby Moon. Nakuru Akizuki is the false form, just like you._

I blinked in surprise. There was someone in this world like me? And it was that annoying b--person? The "glomp" queen herself? That boyfriend stealing...wait, not then...best friend stealing-- 

_Not exactly like you. She seems to be one with her false form from what little I've observed._

That didn't make me feel any better. 

I sighed and started walking home, feeling the cold air bite my cheeks and watching the occasional winter breeze kick up dead leaves or the rare paper. When I really thought about it, I almost felt bad for harboring ill will toward Nakuru. She had backed off after Touya stood up to her, and it had been announced in class today that she was returning to England. That meant everything was over, and my only link to someone who might understand me was leaving soon. 

Yuki, I think--never mind. Sometimes you're too sweet and forgiving for your own good. 

I smiled, maybe a little sadly. Perhaps I _was_ too kind sometimes. But, the only person who had really taken advantage of that at all was Nakuru. I suddenly wanted to know why. I almost turned around and walked back to ask there and then. 

_Oh, for the--write her a letter. I don't want to deal with her right now. Any of them._

He was obviously still feeling conflicted. More things had been discovered there than the truth about Nakuru. I remembered that Hiiragizawa Eriol also lived there, and that meant-- 

_Eriol-san is the reincarnation of Clow. He--we talked. A little. He had guests, and I didn't feel like staying._

I suddenly felt a wash of memory come over me. I stood in front of a window in a shadowy hallway. Eriol stepped out into the hallway a moment later, turning the other direction and pausing after he closed the door. He knew I was there and greeted me without looking. My knees went weak because he was so much like Clow Reed and I wondered if that would always be a weakness for me. 

I needed to know, I asked, why he had rejected me if he knew he would return. I was asking Clow these things. I couldn't get past this, that he was my old Master. Why didn't he want me any more? I was thankful for the things I had now, the friends I had made, the love I had found, but why had Keroberus and I been rejected? 

He answered gently, carefully, and almost reverently. He had Clow's memories. Clow's power. But he was still Eriol. He was thankful to be able to meet the people he had remembered so fondly and those he had seen in visions, but he wasn't that man any more. He finally said that if I wanted to visit with him to talk about Clow with him, I would be welcome. 

That was all. 

I blinked, returning to the present with a jolt. So, it hadn't exactly been a rejection. 

_Yes, and no. I'm not sure what to think about it really. I have loved seeing the world through your eyes. I have loved being accepted by everyone. It has helped that I could love again._

Yue was still sad though. I could almost feel it, and he couldn't hide it in his mental "voice". I just didn't know what to do about it. 

_That makes two of us._

Why did that phrase, applied to me, make me want to laugh? 

~~~~~@~~~~~

Time passed. Touya and I started spending more and more of that time together. I was sure that his dad knew about us, but my love looked scandalized every time I tried to talk about it. I was equally sure that his dad was fine with it, so I didn't push the issue. Kinomoto-sensei and I began exchanging amused looks whenever Touya "remembered" himself and looked in the slightest uncomfortable with a display of affection he had shown me. 

One early evening I was spending over there, Sakura surprised me by asking if I had any plans that night. Tomoyo was there, and she looked pensive and hesitant, but hopeful. Very hopeful. 

"What's this about, Sakura-chan?" 

"Well, it's nothing important if you have plans tonight, really." Sakura was blushing a lot as she asked, and Touya was looking at her with obvious confusion as he got ready for a late night job at a movie theater. He usually didn't work so late, but there was no school right now, and money was money.... 

"No," I admitted. "I don't have any plans for tonight." 

"Um, well, Tomoyo-chan has been making me some costumes, and things have been so quiet, and she wants to be able to film more things, and we were wondering if maybe, tonight, if maybe Yue would--" 

_What???_

I laughed. "It can't hurt to ask, since I really don't have anything better to do." 

_Traitor._

Touya choked on his tea. He quickly excused himself, but not before I caught the expression on his face. His surprised amusement didn't escape Yue either. 

_I'd like to see how he would react if those two wanted to film him like this._

I turned to Sakura with a small, sad smile. This was a good idea, something I thought would be fun for Yue, but if he didn't agree-- "He seems to have reservations about it." 

Sakura looked crestfallen. "Oh, I can understand. It was a silly idea anyway and--" 

I didn't hear the rest of what she was saying. 

_Wait, that's not what I meant!_

I felt that familiar sensation of falling away from the world, but this time the world didn't just stop. I was still there, though it felt like I was viewing everything from behind glass or underwater. I was seeing the world through Yue's eyes, but I could only observe. I looked on in awe. 

"I never said I had reservations. Yukito misunderstood my discomfort." 

He sounded so much more formal when he wasn't talking to me. I was a little stunned by that, but I understood it as soon as I wondered about it. The formality was another defense, and that was something he just didn't need with me, or want with me. 

"But--why were you uncomfortable? I didn't want you to feel like you have to do anything, I just thought it would be fun...." 

I could feel the small smile he gave her as he bent down to her level. "Why don't you tell me exactly what you had in mind? I can't say yes or no until I know what you want, right?" 

She started to smile a little, seeing hope. "Tomoyo-chan has been wanting to film more battle scenes, and she has a lot of costumes she still wants to film. I was thinking that if I used the Create, we could fight some monsters." She ended with a cute little shrug. 

Yue remained outwardly formal, but he was delighted and amused where only I could see. "It sounds like a good idea. It could be invaluable practice, and keep us all in top shape. You and I may not need it so much, but Keroberus sure does." He whispered the last part so only she could hear. 

I laughed. 

Sakura's eyes went wide with surprise. "Y-yue?" He raised a finger to his lips for secrecy. She suddenly wrapped her arms around him in a huge hug, startling us both. "Thank you!" 

She dashed upstairs quickly, shouting something about getting ready. Yue straightened up gracefully, folding his arms across his chest. It seemed a natural pose for him, with those arms almost shielding his inner self from the world. When Tomoyo walked over, his defenses were back up and his face had assumed what felt like a comfortable neutrality from within. 

"Thank you very much, Yue-san." She bowed a little, smiling. 

Yue simply nodded, not saying a word. 

Touya chuckled. "You don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Those two will have you out there all the time now, begging you to do cute poses for the camera." 

Tomoyo looked faintly hurt, but when she looked closely at Touya she could somehow see that he was just teasing, testing the water a bit to see if Tomoyo would play along. With a twinkle in her eye she proved that she could play along wonderfully. "Touya-kun, if you aren't careful I won't give you a copy of my footage--of only Yue-san." 

Yue blanched. Touya choked. Tomoyo giggled, then ran upstairs to help Sakura. Yue hastily returned the body to me and I couldn't stop myself from giggling. 

"You heard," Touya said, accusingly. 

"Every word," I admitted in a teasing tone. "It was the first time. Very strange. I could get used to that I think." 

Touya just looked at the time and swore softly under his breath. "I need to get going. Dad won't be home until after Sakura's bed time, and she knows it. Please don't keep her out too late, okay?" 

We kissed briefly, then he was running out the door. I thought I heard a dreamy, little girl sigh from the stairs, but was relieved to not see anyone. Still, I could feel myself blushing. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

"To-ya?" 

"Hmmm?" 

We were sitting under a tree in the park. Summer was coming to a pleasant end, though it was still hot enough that I didn't want to move from the cool shade. He was reading with his head resting in my lap. I was running my fingers through his hair and just staring off into space, thinking. 

"There are still so many things I need to know. About me. About what happened." 

"So ask." 

I nodded. "I've been thinking about writing to Akizuki-san." 

_What???_

"What??? Why?" 

I shrugged. "To ask her questions." 

"I didn't mean you should ask her. Ask Sakura!" 

"I think there are things that even she doesn't know about in this case. Besides, Akizuki-san is the only person in the world who is like me." 

"She's NOT like you." 

"You didn't sense it?" 

"Oh, I sensed her magic alright. I'm just saying she's nothing like you." 

_He's right. Ruby Moon is nothing like either of us._

"How do I really know unless I ask? Maybe there were things we weren't aware of at the time. I want to know." 

He shrugged, turning back to his book. "Maybe they'll come back and you can ask then." 

"No, their house was demolished. Remember?" 

"So. What are you going to do?" 

"Ask Sakura for Hiiragizawa-san's address in England. I'll write a letter. It can't hurt." 

"You say that. You weren't the one getting squeezed to death every day. You magical creatures are strong! Well, good luck. Tell her I said hello I guess." 

I chuckled, bending down to kiss him on the tip of his nose. He playfully batted me away with his book, complaining about rude magical boyfriends and how they didn't know when not to interrupt quiet reading time. Eventually, after I stole a proper kiss from him, I began thinking earnestly about what I would write in that letter. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

_Akizuki-san, _

I've been wanting to know one thing since I found out who you are, that you're like me. Why? Why all of it? 

Touya says I'm insane for writing you, but he says hi and he hopes you are doing well. Everyone at school misses you; things have been very quiet without you around. I was hoping I could find a good excuse to write you other than to ask about what happened, but nothing has come up. Things are very boring around here lately. 

Tsukishiro Yukito 

~~~~~tbc~~~~~


	5. Connections

**_Not Human_**

Connections

I held the envelope in my hands, a little bit shocked. She actually wrote back. The envelope was a soft pink with brighter pink flowers. When I opened the envelope I was not surprised to see that the letter matched. She had even written in purple. I sighed. That much was cheerful enough, but I hesitated a moment to wonder if the letter itself would be the same. 

_Yukito-kun, _

Well, you are the last person I expected to get a letter from! And honestly, I have no idea how to answer you. I mean, "Why everything" covers a lot of ground, don't you think? The part about the two of us being the same...not exactly. You still think you're human, don't you? You still think of yourself as two people, don't you? And yet...I'm the closest you'll ever find, aren't I? 

I have some answers, but which ones do you want? I even asked Eriol if he would help me write this, if he would help me give you answers. He told me to tell you to remind Yue that you are welcome here to visit or reminisce any time you're free. I think that might be a good idea if you really want to ask me questions since I have no idea what to say in a letter. 

Bring Touya if you visit. I want to see for myself if he said hi, or if you were just being polite. Don't worry, I'm laughing about that since you can't tell just by my writing. And if you visit I swear I'll be polite and won't glomp your boyfriend. I might pout a lot though. Joking. 

Of course everyone misses me! Life is much more interesting when I'm around! 

Nakuru 

I carefully folded the letter up again and slipped it back in the envelope. Visit? Did I want those answers that bad? 

_I would like to visit._

That was a surprise. I couldn't help but wonder why--but no answer was forthcoming. I simply handed the letter to Touya with a sigh. 

He groaned. "We have a vacation coming up. I was planning on working the whole time, but I think I have enough saved--" 

"What? No, I wouldn't ask that of you. You need that money for school next semester. You'll be stuck living at home another year, and I know how much you were looking forward to finally moving out." 

"You want to go don't you?" 

"Yue does. I think I have more mixed feelings about it." 

"Then I want to be there with you. For moral support, if you need it." He smiled gently, but I could see the determination behind his eyes. If I was going, he would be by my side. 

I nodded, twining his fingers through my own and pulling his palm against mine. It was comforting. Then I realized that I was so concerned about Touya's finances, but I had almost dismissed my own again. I never worried about money, everything just seemed to be taken care of. But...how could I afford to fly all the way to England just to ask Nakuru some questions? I didn't even know where the money was coming from, so how could I make plans to visit? 

Then my worries melted away. I had a stunning idea. "Touya, you'll spend all the money you've been saving for an apartment on plane tickets, and not have a job over vacation to earn any more. So, I was wondering...." 

His eyes searched mine deeply and I squirmed a little as I held his eyes. I had no idea how he'd really react to this one. "What were you wondering, Yuki?" 

I chewed my lower lip for a moment, then decided to just smile and say it. What was the worst that could happen? "Would you move in with me?" The words came out in a rush, and it was a relief to finally get them out. I had thought about asking him so many times before, but had never been able to get the words out or find the right time to say them. 

He blinked in surprise a few times, looking at me with total shock. Then he smiled slowly. "You want me to? I mean, of course, why else would you ask, but...really?" 

"Of course! I get so lonely at home alone, and you wouldn't have to save up extra money and you'd still be able to go on vacation with me and it is the perfect solution!" 

His expression softened slightly. "Oh, is that why you asked?" 

"Well," I admitted, "I've been wanting to ask for a while, but I couldn't find a good excuse." 

He grinned then and hooked an arm around my shoulders. He held me for a moment like that and I was just content to be held. Then he just--paused. "This means we should tell my dad." 

When I looked back into his eyes his face had darkened. "To-ya. I think he already knows." I tried to say it both gently and teasingly, but I have no idea how it actually came across. There was no telling how he'd take it. 

He held his breath a moment then let it out explosively. "I don't know, you're probably right. I don't want to assume anything, and I have no idea how he'll react if I just tell him. And then we have to tell Sakura--" 

I laughed. "To-ya, you worry too much. I know she knows about us already." 

"Yeah, but I never told her, and I haven't talked to her about it. It's one thing for us to be a couple like this, but it means a lot more to be living together. I want to do this right." 

"The first thing to do this right is to stop worrying about it so much. Okay?" 

"I'll try." 

I looked into his eyes, knowing that he'd stress over it unless something was set in stone. "I'm worried a little about facing Akizuki-san again, especially with you along. I know it's silly, but let's get the visit behind us first, and then we'll talk to your dad and Sakura-chan." 

"You know, you don't have to worry about anything between her and me." He held me again, a bit possessively this time. 

"I know that here," I said, tapping a finger to my temple. Then I moved my hand over my heart and tapped again. "This will take a little more time to realize it." 

"I don't plan on giving you any reasons to doubt. We'll get that behind us, and then we'll have a family meeting to get my own demons behind us." He smiled, showing that he understood why I had brought up my own insecurities. On some level we both knew it was silly to worry, but the worry was still there. And now we both knew that each of us could understand that. 

Wait--he said family meeting? I had never been part of a family meeting. With that unconscious choice of words I realized that my status had somehow subtly changed. I was no longer "like" family, I was family to him. A warm feeling invaded my heart and suddenly a lot of my fears were silenced. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

Fears. From the time we walked on the airplane I was aware of Yue's distrust of flying under a power not his own. When we had gone to Hong Kong on vacation I hadn't been worried at all, but now Yue's presence was a constant in my life, unlike then. I tried not to think about it by distracting myself with other thoughts, but in the end the only things that could silence his fears were my own fears. 

I felt foolish for asking questions in the first place and seeking someone "like me". I worried about bringing Touya with me--both because of who we were going to visit and because of his financial state. I wondered if I'd make a fool of myself by trying to speak English the whole time we'd be there. I wished I could just stay at home and be happy with the answers I already had. I was terrified that something would happen to Sakura while I was gone since I had no idea what would happen to me if anything happened to her. 

I nearly fainted with relief as the plane finally landed. We milled out with the other passengers, and I was thankful for Touya's height as I followed him to the small group waiting for us. I hung back slightly though, realizing that even though I was the one who had been invited, he was more welcome here. Nakuru immediately threw her arms around him and welcomed him, going on and on about how she missed him. I felt the slightest twinge of jealousy when I saw this, but it was immediately soothed when he almost roughly shoved her away. 

And then there was Kaho Mizuki. 

My heart caught in my throat when I saw the smiles they exchanged, and then the small, friendly hug they shared. I knew that what they had shared was entirely in the past, but that didn't stop the stab I felt in my emotional core. I tried to hide it behind my usual smile, but-- 

"You didn't even remember that she lives with us," Nakuru taunted with a wicked smile. 

I shook my head, reminding myself that this wasn't any different from before when she was Sakura's teacher. They were friends. That was all. Just because he and I were more than friends now didn't mean I should allow myself to feel jealous. "Hello to you too," I returned with a smile. 

She just laughed and backed off a bit, letting Eriol take her place in welcoming us. From there it seemed the usual pleasantries were exchanged, making it all blur in my mind. I tried to still myself, trying not to show how deeply I felt that this was just a huge mistake. I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have brought Touya, and I shouldn't be standing here letting my emotions stab me through with jealousy. Even when Kaho had finally stepped beside Eriol and they linked arms around each other there was a stab of envy that I knew was linked to people Eriol and I were merely echoes of. 

And through it all I couldn't remove that damned smile from my face. I had asked for this after all. I was the one that wanted to know. I smiled, pretending that this was nothing more than a happy reunion, but inside I was wondering why I had agreed to this. They were all strangers to me. The annoying girl who had tried to steal my Touya. The reincarnation of someone who created me, but meant nothing other than that to me. And finally my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. What was I doing here? 

Everyone started moving and I found myself following automatically. I was doing this for answers about myself. I was doing this for answers about everything that had happened. I was doing this mostly for Yue though. He had only once said he wanted to go, but--it was the way he said it. I couldn't explain to anyone else what it had meant, how it had felt, but from that one contact within me he had spoken volumes of how much this would mean to him. It was closure. 

_You make it sound like I'm here for Clow's funeral._

Maybe it was. Maybe it was more than that. 

_Much more than that._

Touya somehow knew the conflict within me. He casually placed his arm around my shoulders as we walked, kissing the top of my head lightly. I smiled, leaning in to him and felt safe for the first time in hours. 

_It's not an easy thing we do, but it's necessary. For both of us. It may feel strange to bring Touya along, but what would we do without him?_

True. Without his arm around me right now, I wasn't sure if I'd have the strength to take one more step with these people that knew so much about me, but I knew nothing about in return. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

Touya was still asleep in bed, for once taking advantage of not having to get up for any reason at all. I was too nervous to stay in bed though. My thoughts raced and couldn't settle on anything to linger on. I was a jumble of mixed emotions and I could not stay still. I wandered around darkened halls until I found the kitchen where Nakuru was already busy making breakfast. 

"Would you like some help?" I moved closer, forcing myself to be friendly and confident around her. 

She looked me over, then shrugged. "If you can handle the eggs and bacon while I take care of the pancakes I'd appreciate it." 

I smiled, doing as she directed. "You're not your usual enthusiastic self," I observed after a few moments of silence. 

She laughed. "You aren't either, but you never are around me. Yes, I did that on purpose of course. I just didn't know things would go the way they did." 

"I don't understand." 

She just shook her head. "No, of course you don't. You are sweet innocent Yukito that everyone loves. How dare I be so mean to everyone's golden child? How dare I try to separate you from your one true love, when neither of you could even admit it then?" 

"I didn't mean it like that," I said softly, flipping the bacon. It didn't need it, but her words had hit too close to the heart. "Why would you want me to not like you?" 

"It made me unique, didn't it?" When I looked up she was smiling, but it was a dangerous smile. 

"Not so much," I admitted. 

"I don't believe you. Name someone else you don't simply adore." Her tone was teasing, but I somehow knew that it was a mask over genuine curiosity. 

"Can we talk about something else? I don't want to talk about that right now." I didn't want to talk about it ever actually. I felt silly feeling so jealous, especially toward someone who wasn't a threat to me and had always been kind. Everyone loved Mizuki-san. Except me. 

"Oh, that's right. I do know who it is!" Her enthusiasm was returning as my own was fading. "Mr. Perfect is jealous. Is that the only way to get on your bad side? To have a piece of Touya's heart...or Master Eriol's? I'm curious to know who is more jealous here. Exactly which person are you jealous of her for?" 

"Stop it!" I yelled. I never raised my voice, not in anger, but here I was yelling at her. 

And she backed down. 

"Sumimasen, Yukito-san," she said, her head bowed. "The truth is, I don't like her much either. I used to. I even asked if we could keep her when we first met, but things are different now. I shouldn't have teased you like that because I'm the one who is jealous." 

I didn't know how to handle this. This wasn't the same Nakuru I had known before. "You've changed. A lot. What's going on?" 

"Oh no you don't! You will not turn me into one of your fans that easily, pretty boy. Don't turn all concerned for me so suddenly. I'm every bit as jealous of you and your other half as you are of her." 

"Why?" 

She just glared, exasperated. "You constantly got the best grades in school despite all the distractions, and you aren't smart enough to figure that out?" 

"You're in love with--" 

"Good morning Eriol! Kaho. Suppi!" She cut me off as everyone began to file into the kitchen. Eriol greeted her with a warm smile and a good morning in return. Mizuki-san simply nodded and sat down. Spinel Sun started dive-bombing her, yelling at her about the nick-name. Nakuru swatted at him with the spatula, threatening to drench all the food in syrup if he didn't let her finish in peace. It seemed like I had observed their morning ritual, just like a family. 

Well, it was closer to a family than I had ever had. 

"You have a family," I told her softly as things started to die down. 

"Oh, just wait. If it's a family it's dysfunctional, trust me. You can't get out of my bad side by playing the 'I have no family and you do' card. Trust me." 

"Everyone looks so happy though." 

"Do they?" 

~~~~~@~~~~~

The day went on and I began to see what Nakuru meant. There was nothing I could put my finger on exactly, but there were small things going on that made me wonder. It was Touya, as always, that had the perception to put it all together. 

"They don't love each other." 

I blinked, getting ready for bed. It was the first time we had time together alone all day. "Excuse me?" 

"Kaho and Eriol. They don't love each other. She had been in love before, but she isn't anymore. They seem to be going through the motions of being together, but it's already dead." 

I put my pajamas on in silence, absorbing what he said and removing my own emotions from the situation. "Akizuki-san seems to agree. She said if this is a family, it's dysfunctional." 

He pulled me in close, resting his chin on my head easily. "I wish there was something I could do. It's just not my place to say anything though. They need to find it themselves." 

I sighed, wondering if that really was all there is to it. Did we have to wait in the sidelines and know they would self-destruct without saying a word? What good could we do if we did interfere though? 

We slid into bed together, snuggling close under the blankets to ward off the cold air. Touya fell deep asleep quickly and I just held him, stroking his cheek and running my fingers through his hair until I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of bed. I wasn't sure where to go from there though, and I didn't want to get lost, especially in the dark here. 

_Don't worry, I know exactly where I'm going._

I nodded. That explained why I couldn't sleep and why I wanted to get out of bed so much. 

My vision shimmered and the world fell away. I wasn't immediately aware of what Yue was doing this time. We had already reached our destination when I was granted a look through his eyes. It wasn't unusual, but more and more often I had been allowed to watch everything that Yue saw. Something wasn't right. 

I realized that we were watching an argument unfold between Eriol and Mizuki-san. I frowned, but that was all I could do. I was just an observer. 

"We could have gone to Tomoeda instead of making them come here." She sounded as sweet and calm as ever, but her smile looked strained. 

"I have my reasons, Kaho." 

"Do you ever have reasons you want to share? I would have liked to go back and visit my family, or have you forgotten that Tomoeda is my home too?" 

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about this right now." He sounded reasonable and calm, but Yue shifted nervously. 

_When Clow used that particular tone it meant he was about to be pushed too far. That expression is too calm. It's not a hard expression to read, but she seems to want to push him. Yes. She's played this game before, and she wants him to lose control. Doesn't she understand what she's doing to him?_

I watched as things escalated. 

"You don't want to, but maybe I do! All these years it's been about your plans and your wishes. Your plots and schemes. I thought I was your equal, your partner. Now you don't even want to talk about it." 

"We'll talk about this later." 

Mizuki-san turned her back slowly, walked to a door on the other side of the room from where Yue stood watching, and she faced him a moment while she held the door knob. There was a sad little smile on her face. "No, we won't." 

He grabbed something off of the desk quickly, cocking his arm back as if to throw it, but checked himself and dropped the object, running his hands through his hair. "This is not who I am, this is not how I act," he chanted over and over for a while. 

Finally he looked up and over at Yue with a small, self-depreciating smile. "I'm sorry you saw that. I don't know what came over me." 

_I think I do,_ Yue thought, but he kept his silence as he walked into the room. 

"Leave her." Yue's words were simple and direct. I couldn't believe I was hearing them. 

From the look in Eriol's eyes, he couldn't believe it either. "I won't do that Yue. I love her." 

"You could love another." He made the words sound so easy, but I was starting to feel genuine fear and panic. This wasn't right. What was he thinking? 

"Maybe. Someday. Not now. I'm happy." 

_Happy? He calls this happy? Even Clow was never this miserable in his life! I will remind him of what happiness is--_

No!!! I couldn't believe this! Yue was stepping closer and Eriol was just sitting there with his dark blue eyes staring up at us. He knew what was going on. He just sat calmly and waited. 

I don't know how I did it, but we stopped. I was frozen in my tracks, standing there, panting with exertion. I was myself. I opened my eyes wide, looking around me as if I had woken from a dream. In a way I had, but so had Yue. It was both of us who were looking around, dazed. 

I loved Clow. I could handle that. I loved Touya. I could handle that. I could not love Eriol. I just couldn't. But...but...it would be so easy if I let myself. Too easy. 

I felt tears sting the corners of my eyes and I automatically moved to take off my glasses so they wouldn't get stained if I couldn't stop crying. There were no glasses. Of course there weren't. Not in this form. It was a habit I'd have to check myself on. 

"Yue, it just wouldn't work. I'd love to run away with you and leave everything behind, but that's not who I am. That's not even who I was as Clow." Eriol's hand reached up to caress my cheek and he caught the first tears as they began to flow. 

"I know," I whispered. My skin tingled where his hand rested on my cheek and I could see Clow standing there, comforting me the same way so long ago. It was maddening. I loved him, but I didn't love him, and I was sure he felt the same for me. How could we have been torn apart like this? Why had he let things happen like this? 

"Yue, things happened like this for a reason. You need to let me go. Love Touya. Let me love whom I love. Let me go." 

"I don't know if I can," I admitted, falling to my knees before him. "Please, let me love you also. Please." 

He almost said something, but I couldn't let him. He was about to smash the mirrors of my soul and I wasn't ready to let anyone see inside. Not yet. With lightning speed I stood and wrapped him in my arms, hovering above the ground. I kissed him deeply, holding him close and wanting to hold him even closer. 

Something changed. He no longer felt like Clow in my arms, only Eriol. He blinked up at me and I looked down upon him and he blushed. I found myself blushing also. What had I just done? And why had I done it with this child. I slowly lowered him to the ground. 

"I'm sorry, Eriol. That should never have happened." 

"Yue, I am not Clow. I have his memories and his magic, but that is all. I am me." 

"I know. I see that." I turned away. "I'm sorry. I--I need to go apologize to To-ya." I felt strange. My life was shifting again into two parts, and a cold emptiness was coming over me. I ran--no, flew back to the bedroom, needing to be safe and alone before that emptiness swallowed me whole. I wanted to jump into bed with him, but I stopped short, kneeling beside the bed, sobbing into my hands. 

"I'm sorry To-ya, I'm so sorry, I don't know why this is happening like this...please, forgive me. I'm so sorry." 

"Ssshhh, Yuki, it's okay." 

His arms were around me, pulling me up to the bed, pulling me into his arms. I was me again, and Yue was Yue, but the line between us had never seemed so arbitrary or tenuous. 

~~~~~tbc~~~~~


	6. Dark Butterfly

**_Not Human_**

Dark Butterfly

I wandered through the garden, awed by the beauty of nature displayed here. There were a lot of flowers, but what kept drawing my attention was the trees. The trees were large and old, some were perfect for climbing and others were perfect for sitting under and resting an afternoon away. 

I had left the house to clear my head and try to sort things out within. I had tossed and turned all night, trying to forget everything that had happened and not succeeding. This was turning into a great nightmare, made surreal by how Eriol and Kaho had been acting today. They were closer this morning, almost defying what happened by clinging to each other. It only made me feel more miserable and confused. Why had Yue done that? No, why had I done that? 

I wasn't just Yukito anymore. Not after that. I had been there, been one with Yue. He hadn't been a voice in the back of my mind or some other being that took over my body. He had been me. I had been him. 

I leaned up against a tree, overcome. 

There was rustling in the tree above me and I noticed I wasn't alone. Clear brown eyes met my own, and before I could think I was climbing the tree to join Nakuru. She moved further down on the branch she had been sitting on, clearly inviting me to join her. I sat beside her with my back resting against the tree's trunk and waited to see what she wanted. 

"You flew all the way out here to ask questions, so start asking!" 

Oh. But...the only question I wanted to ask was something I hadn't dreamed of wanting to know about before. "You're in love with Eriol?" 

She looked exasperated at first, but as she spoke a strange realization came to her, make her expression mellow. "I--of course I--well, actually--I'm not sure. Really, I'm not sure at all." 

I smiled, trying very hard not to laugh and upset her. "What do you mean, you're not sure?" 

She smiled back, but it wasn't a nice smile. I was suddenly scared that she somehow knew about last night...but how could she? Had she been hidden in shadows too? No, I dismissed it as paranoia. 

"I thought I was in love, but I'm starting to wonder. I mean, I want to be loved. I want to be in love. But when I really think about it, I don't think it's Master Eriol who I should love. I mean, I can't even imagine doing anything like what you did to him last night!" Her eyes glittered with mirth as she watched my reaction. Then she added, "Besides, I don't want to end up like you, Yue." 

I just moaned, leaning my head against the tree. I could feel my cheeks burning with shame. "Who else knows?" 

She leaned in closer with a smirk. "So, I was right. You two are merging. I thought it was strange to see Yue reaching for glasses." 

"Please, just tell me who else knows." This was getting more and more uncomfortable. 

She just shrugged. "I don't think anyone else knows. I was walking past on the way to bed, but I didn't feel anyone else near. So, we share a secret!" 

I did not feel anywhere near as enthusiastic as she sounded. "Oh goody." I gave her a weak smile. "I actually came out here to try to figure out how to tell Touya." I didn't want her to get the idea that I was trying to hide anything. I had no idea if she would try to blackmail me about this. 

She just smiled. "Good idea. It could be very bad if he found out from someone else." 

"Blackmail?" 

"I thought about it. But what do I want from you, really? I can't take Touya away from you, especially not like that. I certainly wouldn't get anything else out of it. If I want a pretty new dress or make-up I can always ask Eriol. So, there's no need for me to blackmail you. No, this has given me something else. Proof that you're not perfect, like everyone seems to think you are." 

"I've never claimed to be perfect." 

"So? You didn't have to. In fact, your utter lack of arrogance is one of those things that make you so perfect in everyone's mind. Always kind, always smiling, never mean to a soul, never boastful, but you're not perfect. Especially now that the mask is breaking and the world will see you for who you really are." 

Chills went through me. Exposed to the world. The world would see the real me, and I didn't even know who the real me was. 

Then Nakuru's smile did turn friendly, almost gentle. "I think I might actually be able to like you, if you have some flaws. It doesn't make me feel so bad about my own." 

I stared at her. "What flaws do you feel so bad about? I don't understand. What do I have that you don't?" 

She sighed. "You wouldn't understand." 

"Try me." I smiled gently. 

"What do you have that I don't? Friends. You have friends." 

"You had plenty of friends in Tomoeda. A lot of people were wondering where you went, what happened, why you left." 

"No, they weren't friends. None of them knew anything about me, none of them would understand. Now that we're back home I don't even have that much again. Eriol had always been my best friend, but he's been too busy lately. He's been too busy since **she** got here." 

"It's not your fault you don't have the same kind of friends I do, so it doesn't count as a flaw." I gave her a teasing smile to see what she'd do with it. 

She looked at me strangely, then shrugged. "I was just saying what you have that I don't." 

"So start writing to Sakura. She'd be happy to be your friend. Maybe her friend Tomoyo too. They've been both writing to Eriol after all, so--" 

"Okay, okay. I'm no good at feeling sorry for myself anyway. I'd rather be happy and make others happy." When she smiled it was full of her old enthusiasm. I wasn't fooled. It was a mask just like.... 

Just like me. 

I returned her smile. "We aren't so different after all." 

_Don't say that,_ Yue groaned, surprising me a little. He had been so silent, and after last night I was afraid we had shared too much to talk like this. 

_No, we're clearly not that close if you can utter nonsense like that._

I laughed, startling Nakuru who was telling me I had no idea what I was talking about. "You and Yue are both protesting a bit too much without trying to see why I said what I did." 

"That's because your true self is more like Suppi-chan than me. Stuffy and serious. And boring." 

"Hmmm, you mean like you're immature and childish? And shallow?" 

She pouted. 

I laughed again. 

"Okay, okay, I won't tease Yue any more. Jeez. Who'd have thought you would call me names back. You of all people. After all I did to get you away from Touya, and you didn't say a word back then, but I tease you about **him** and you're suddenly saying things about me." 

I put my head in my hands, then took off my glasses and cleaned them off distractedly. "You know what? Never mind. I give up. I wasn't being mean, and I'm sorry. I was just trying to make a point." 

As I resettled my glasses in place she stuck her tongue out at me, then gave me a wink. "You just don't get my sense of humor, do you?" 

I stared for a second, shocked, and then I smiled in return. "Maybe not, but I'm starting to get an idea I think." 

"Good." She nodded, then jumped out of the tree suddenly, landing perfectly on her feet. "Want to be friends then?" She called that part back to me over her shoulder as she walked away. 

What? Friends after all this? Uh... "Sure!" 

She waved and kept walking. 

I was suddenly, utterly confused. 

Then again, that was probably exactly why she did it. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

I was still up in the tree, thinking and toying with a leaf that had fallen into my hands. I have no idea how long I had been up in the tree, but I hopped down easily when I saw Touya walk down the path. His face brightened as he saw me and I felt a nervous flutter in the pit of my stomach. 

"**She** said you were out here, and said you probably wanted to talk." 

I nodded, then gestured further on the path. "Walk with me?" 

We walked for a while in silence while I tried to get my mind to stop going round and round like a Ferris Wheel. My thoughts refused to stop spinning though and the silence drew on. 

"Yuki, you haven't been acting like yourself lately. Something is bothering you and I wish you'd talk to me about it." 

"To-ya, I--" I broke off, shaking my head, then tried to start again. "How can I act like myself when I'm not sure who I am anymore?" 

Dark eyes turned on me with a piercing gaze as he tried to find out by sheer force of will why I was bringing this up again after so long. "What happened?" he asked finally when I refused to give away anything in my expression. 

"Yue and I are merging, To-ya." 

He nodded. "I thought that might have something to do with it." 

I shook my head ruefully. "Nothing surprises you, does it. Let me guess, you've just known all along it would happen?" 

"No. I've just noticed changes in you, that's all. Both halves of you. I've been wondering for a while if that was happening. Why didn't you tell me before?" 

I was taken aback. Why hadn't I told him? "I--I think I needed time to come to terms with it myself and figure out what it meant for me. I wasn't sure how fast it would happen, or if I would just fade away entirely, and I was a little scared." 

"So, what happened that you can talk about it now? Does it have something to do with last night?" 

I drew a breath in sharply, almost scared about how perceptive he was, magic or no. "How did you know?" 

"I didn't know," he said with a shake of his head. "I was just asking." 

Oh. "It has a lot to do with last night," I admitted softly, fighting the trembling that threatened to overtake me. "For a little while, Yue and I were one. Complete. I don't even know how to describe it, but I hadn't lost any part of who I was, just gained a new perspective or...something. I really couldn't tell you. But he...er, uh, we...that is to say, I, uh, kissed Eriol last night." I couldn't meet his eyes, but I know he had stiffened in shock. I would have too. 

"Why?" His tone was neutral, and I knew what expression he would have on his face to match his voice. 

"It was a mistake. It was a huge mistake." I tried to recall the reasons I had as it happened last night and it came crashing down on me in vivid detail. "It was part of the merge. I wish I could just blame this on Yue and pretend it doesn't apply to me, but I can't. I wish I could, but I just can't." 

_Hush. You didn't want to, and you were right. I'm sorry._

"Stop! I was just as much there and in control, and as much as I wanted to stop, I didn't! That means I'm just as guilty." 

"Yuki--" I looked up at him and was met with concern, confusion, and then grim understanding before his face slid to neutral again. "I'd like to speak to Yue. Please." 

I shook my head slowly, sadly. 

"Just Yue." 

Was that possible? I was about to find out. I felt the change wash over me like a summer rain storm. It prickled against my skin, cooling me and sending a strange energy through me like electricity. The only darkness I saw was the backs of my eyelids for a moment as the wings heralded the physical change. I was shoved into the background, but I was still very much there. 

_You're right. We're too close now. I can't leave you out._ He admitted this first, then opened his eyes and spread his wings, then willed them away as superfluous under the circumstances. He would not need them. 

"What's going on, Yue?" 

"It is much as Yukito told you, though I'm afraid I pushed the issue of the kiss." 

"Why?" 

Yue searched Touya's eyes for something...some quality that would let him share the whole story. He finally nodded and I breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Because I still love Clow Reed." 

"Eriol isn't Clow." Touya frowned. 

"I know that. He's the closest I will ever have to him though, and I can't stand to see him hurting so much. Clow was never this unhappy, but Eriol said he was happy and still in love and I couldn't just leave that alone, so I--" 

"So you tried to remind him of how wrong he was?" 

Yue turned away. "Yes," he whispered in reply. "When Yukito tried to stop me he just got swept along with it, and now he's consumed with guilt over it. He shouldn't. It's my guilt to have." 

"How close are you to merging?" His voice was filled with wonder and worry and a burning need to know. 

There was silence. I thought about it. Yue thought about it. It was a difficult question. "Last night it really was total. Yukito surprised me by fighting so hard that he imposed his will and personality upon mine. It might have stayed that way, but--we were rejected. I withdrew. I can't undo what has been done though, and what happened will inevitably and irrevocably happen again. We're very close now. In fact, I don't think I'm speaking to you strictly as myself as I was, and Yukito is aware and will remember everything we are talking about now." 

Touya cursed under his breath. "I shouldn't have asked you to change like that then. If I had known--" 

"No, I'm still more me than him, and there are things I can answer that Yukito can't." 

He stood still for a while, looking away, deep in thought. 

"Yue, who will you chose? Who will your heart finally decide on?" 

"I loved Clow Reed longer than you can imagine and more deeply than anyone should. But, he's dead. Yukito has loved you as long as he can actually remember, even though I don't know how that happened. He loves you more than anyone or anything. And he has loved only you from the moment he saw you." 

"What about you, Yue?" 

There were tears, welling up, emotions running wild, fears choking me, and we...I...reached up to wipe those tears as Yue tried to hide behind me...tried to hide behind a mask. I didn't know what to do or what to say. This was his question, why were we merging like this when I wasn't the one who could answer? Then it hit me. It was the same emotion between us. And I didn't know how to handle that emotion. 

"I love you, To-ya. So much that it's scary. I tried not to. I feel disloyal. To Clow's memory...and to myself. Where does one of me end and the other me begin after all? If I confess how I really feel, will you think I'm stealing you from my false form? Will you tell me you only love the mask I wear? How will you feel about me when the mask is fully gone and my false form is only a physical change? I know you accepted me for who--for what I am when we started this, but acceptance is a long way from love." 

"I told you from the start. I love every bit of you." 

"How can you when you don't even know who I am?!? You love the part of me I wish I could be, but you don't know anything about me, and I am so scared that you never will. How could you? If I was capable of even thinking about leaving you for Eriol, how could you love me when you know that that person is my true self? When you know that all masks were gone and that was my true self." 

"Yuki wouldn't do that to me," he stated simply, and my tears began anew. 

"Who do you think you are talking to right now?" I cried, falling to my knees. 

There was a long break where I was too consumed by guilty tears to notice anything around me. I was the misery I felt, and that misery was my universe, and there was no escape from it. Finally though, Touya's voice broke through to me as if from a distance and called me back to reality. 

"Would you do it again?" 

I looked up, startled. "Doesn't the fact I did it in the first place mean anything?" 

His face was so serious, but also...forgiving. "Of course it does, but that's not what I'm asking. What I am asking is, would you do it again? Do you still want to leave me?" He was ready for any answer I could give, resolved no matter what I said. 

I fought within myself, remembering what I had been a part of with Clow, but reminding myself that it could never be again. Yet...could I give myself to Touya fully if he would forever be second best? Didn't he deserve better than that? Was he really second best? Touya had given me all of his power, all of his magic, given me the greatest sacrifice he could just to save my life. But...Clow had given me life in the first place. 

I looked up at Touya, trying to come up with the most honest answer I could, trying to make sure I knew my own heart well enough to give him the answer he deserved. And...he kneeled down to my level, refusing to tower over me in my moment of weakness. He met my eyes as an equal, and waited patiently for what I had to say. 

"I could never do that again," I said. 

"Then, will you let me know you well enough to love you? The real you? No more masks, no secrets, nothing hidden, just the real you for once." 

I swallowed, hard. He was asking so much, he had no idea how difficult that would be! I didn't even know myself after all this time. "I'll try. I mean, it will take a long time." Then I found an echo of my old smile and tried it on my true face for the first time in centuries. "After all, I'm so much older than you, so there is a lot of me to know." 

Gratifyingly, he chuckled. "I look forward to it. You don't have to be perfect. In fact, it helps a little that you're not." 

"Oh no, not you too! Nakuru accused me of being too perfect yesterday, and now she wants to be friends because she found out I have flaws." 

"Don't look so puzzled, Yue. Er...Yuki...." 

I pulled him closer to me, then cupped his cheek in the palms of my hands. "Koi, call me Yuki, just as you always have, as only you have. I'll leave it up to everyone else to decide how they want to think of me, but that's the name I have always loved to hear from your lips." And I brushed my lips against his own, letting the shivers run through me with the soft contact. "To-ya," I breathed, pulling away a moment before he claimed my mouth in a searing kiss. He tasted like tears, but he smelled sweet like toffee or butterscotch and like heavy spices like cloves and something else that was uniquely his own scent. He kissed me with passion, without reserve, and his hands pulled me so close, caressing, feeling, holding, and my own hands did the same to him. Would I feel guilty if I admitted I loved his kisses better than Clow's? Maybe a little...but it was true. Clow had ever and always been Master. Touya was...he was...beloved. Best friend. Soul mate? I don't know. We kneeled there, just kissing, until rain started falling and drove us inside. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

The rest of our vacation passed uneventfully. I wasn't entirely whole still, but I didn't feel quite like two separate people either. Nakuru and I continued to talk, getting to know each other and starting to almost feel like friends. There were things we could talk about that no human being would ever understand. There were also things we tried to talk about that the other couldn't understand, but we just laughed those away. Touya and Kaho talked a lot, and I realized I wasn't jealous. I knew he wouldn't leave me for her, no matter what. I apologized to...Eriol, though I still had a hard time separating him from Clow. We talked, we remembered together, and that helped me become more...me. It helped the part of me that was Yukito know more about the part of me that was Yue. 

Finally it was time to fly home. I realized I was jumpy to get back to Sakura where I could keep an eye on her and make sure she was safe. I knew she wasn't in danger, but it felt wrong to be so far away for so long. 

As everyone started the long process of saying goodbye, Nakuru pulled me aside. "Friends share secrets with friends, yes? So, since I have a secret of yours, it's fair of me to share a secret of mine. I was lying to you in the garden." 

"About what?" 

"I think I really could fall in love with Eriol, but I will not breathe a word of it or even think of it until Kaho is gone. But, I'm not sure if it's a good idea." 

"Why wouldn't it be?" I asked with a gentle smile. 

"Because of my secret. I'm not a girl. Promise to never tell a soul!" 

"I promise. Of course, I have it on good authority that it won't make a bit of difference to Eriol." 

Nakuru giggled. "I'm sure you're right, but I like being a girl! I've always thought of it as my deepest, darkest secret." 

"Your secret is safe with me. And if--no, when--you tell him, I wish you good luck. If he rejects you, I hope he's kind, and if he doesn't I hope he's wonderful to you." I swallowed back my own emotions, trying to focus on my happiness with Touya. That was all that mattered. It...wasn't as hard to do as I feared it would be. 

"I'm glad we became friends. You'll still write to Sakura and Tomoyo though, right?" 

"Oh! That reminds me!" She handed me two envelopes, both bright pink with hearts and stars and flowers everywhere. "I've already started, if you'll please give these to them?" 

I laughed and assured her I would, realizing that even knowing her secret I couldn't think of her as anything but a girl. She was too girlish, too feminine to think of as anything else. Did it really matter? No, I guess not. Neither of us were even human, so why should human definitions apply where we didn't want them to? We were creations, made by human beings, and we had to make our own personalities after the fact. 

Even if hers was still exceedingly annoying most of the time. 

Despite the turmoil, despite the pain, despite the conflict, it was still a vacation, and as soon as we returned home we realized that there were real life issues waiting for us to deal with us upon our return. 

~~~~~tbc~~~~~


	7. Family

**_Not Human_**

Family

Sakura-chan and Kinomoto-sensei were waiting for us at the airport. Ice ran through my veins when I saw the two of them instead of the warm happiness I had been expecting. I remembered...I felt dawning realization...a terrible understanding...I had made a huge mistake. Always before, I had avoided being my true self around Kinomoto-sensei, and had completely hidden the truth from my false form. He was half of Clow too. I hadn't let myself think about that, but it hit me like a wave as soon as I saw them there, smiling as they waited. 

"Yukito-san!" Sakura called out cheerfully, but her face became concerned as she looked at me. "What's wrong?" 

The smile...the smile...I couldn't forget to wear the smile.... "I'm fine, Sakura-chan. Just a little jet-lag I think." 

Her eyes were knowing, searching, almost reminding me of Touya with their intensity as she looked at me, but then she smiled and blushed and became her usual self as she welcomed us home and started filling us in on everything we had missed. That filled in the emptiness behind my previous weary smile and I felt like everything would be fine. 

They drove me home and I was able to pretend that everything was the same while Sakura dominated the conversation with her cheerful enthusiasm. The smile stayed in place, long practice keeping it in place despite a growing nervousness and my growing weariness. I couldn't wait to sleep in my own home with familiar sounds, despite having to sleep alone again. It was nearly a full moon, but even that didn't draw me more than the peace of a long sleep in my familiar room, resting on the comfortable futon instead of the almost smothering softness of the bed at Eriol's house. 

Touya helped me to the front door with the luggage...not that either of us thought I needed it. We paused on the other side of the door, out of sight of the pair in the car, kissing goodnight. "Tomorrow night," he said softly, brushing hair out of my eyes gently. 

I moved quickly to brush a kiss across his fingertips. Tomorrow night? Oh yes, the family meeting. To tell his family about us at last. "I'll need to tell Sakura-chan about the merge also...I'll be over in the early afternoon. Should we...should we take the evening to talk about everything? Or just about the two of us?" I did not want to steal his spotlight, but I was suddenly aware of so many things that needed to be talked about. All of us. The time for secrets had long passed. 

He nodded in understanding as he walked back outside. "We'll see how things go tomorrow, but come over for lunch. We'll get an early start in case we need it. Good night, Yuki." 

My heart pounded as I waved goodbye and watched them drive away into the night. I barely stayed awake to shower before I collapsed, sleeping all through the night and well into the next morning. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

I arrived at the Kinomoto residence just in time for lunch. Sakura had worked like mad to fix plenty of food when Touya told her I would be there, but I felt strange eating so much now. I really didn't need it. But, it was expected, and the food was delicious. I didn't eat as much as usual though, and Sakura looked concerned. I exchanged an amused glance with Touya who had been startled himself when my eating habits changed over vacation. 

"Yukito-san, are you sure you're okay?" 

I laughed. "I'm fine, I promise. I would like to talk to you though." 

Touya was already picking up the dishes, getting ready to wash them. "I'll do this while you two talk, okay?" 

Now Sakura looked very concerned, but she just quietly followed me to the living room so we could talk comfortably. Their dad had already disappeared into the basement, wanting to get some research done before he started the surprise he had planned for supper. We would have the privacy we needed to talk about things, guardian to Mistress. 

I suddenly didn't know what to say, how to explain. She was sweetly oblivious about me in so many ways, but cunningly insightful in others and I had no idea exactly how to say what I needed to tell her. There was also that strange dichotomy within me of how to think of her. I respected her as a powerful sorceress and realized that my entire existence depended on her, but I had looked at her as my little sister for so long. She was the master of my fate, she was the little girl who had followed me around with a giant crush for years, and she was the sorceress who told me she wanted to be my friend. It all flooded in on me at once, overwhelming me and forcing me to stare at her in silence for a lot longer than I ever had before. 

"What do you need to talk about?" She just ignored the staring and smiled, trusting me that it wasn't anything wrong. 

"I...I thought you should know that, well," I hesitated, tripping over my own name. We weren't completely merged still, but it felt so strange to think of myself as one or the other. Well, when in doubt, call myself by the name of the form I'm using. Soon it would be the only distinction between us at all. "Yue and I are merging into one." 

Her eyes were huge. "Really?" 

I laughed, startled by here wide-eyed innocence. "Yes, really." 

"Why?" 

"I think it was inevitable. I was so curious about who I really was and I wanted to know everything I could, and I couldn't do that without becoming...who I really am." 

"But...why now?" 

I shook my head. How could I explain that it had started from that fateful moment when Touya told me he wouldn't let me fade away. The second I realized that I kept secrets even I didn't know. It had begun...no, it had begun before then, when I would look at the world through the frame of glasses over the shoulder of my more innocent self and wish I weren't locked away from the world behind that mask. As Yue I had watched events unfold and wished I could be that happy and accepted all the time. 

Her youthful enthusiasm prompted more questions before I could come up with an answer for the last. "What's it like? Is it scary?" 

"Yes, it was a little scary at first. I was worried that I'd lose myself. But now, it just feels right, like I'm becoming the person I should have been in the first place." 

"Wow. Then, I'll be happy for you since you seem to be happy about this. Uh, should we tell Kero-chan?" 

I laughed. It was so simple for her, so straightforward. "I suppose he should know. He'll whine about it if he doesn't find out right away." 

Her eyes sparkled. "Now I know you're merging. You've never ever teased like that before. I think I'll like this change in you." 

I blinked, realizing she was right. I teased Touya, but in a different way, and he was the only one who really saw that part of me. As Yukito I was too kind. As Yue I was too formal. As either alone I was too reserved, too unsure of myself to open up that far. I was learning a lot by opening up to--myself. 

She ran upstairs, grabbing me by the hand to make sure I followed. Before we reached the door I held back. "Wait." Keroberus still didn't know quite how to deal with me in my false form and would try to hide. It amused me a bit to think of him pretending to be a stuffed toy, but not this time. This was too serious to me. 

I changed my form, feeling more comfortable this way for dealing with him. Sakura looked a little startled, then nodded. With a smile she opened her door, again grabbing my hand to drag me behind her. 

"Kero-chan! Kero-chan!" 

He floated out of the drawer he called home, looking very startled to see me. "What? What happened? What's wrong?" 

Ever the extremist. "Nothing is wrong." 

He gave me a pointed glance. "Then why did you guys wake me up from my afternoon nap? Why didn't you bring pudding? And why are **you** here?" 

The last was obviously directed at me. I was hesitating again over how to say it when Sakura jumped enthusiastically and smiled. "Pudding! I knew I was forgetting something. I'll be right back up here with three puddings!" 

As soon as the door closed Keroberus frowned. "Three puddings? You'll be changing back into that snow bunny form again so soon?" 

He sounded...disappointed. I chuckled. "No." 

"So, I get two puddings to myself? Sakura is so wonderful! Wai! Wai! She's too sweet to me!" 

"She said three puddings, not four. No, you aren't getting two puddings." 

"You don't expect me to believe that you're going to actually eat something, do you?" 

I sent him a mock glare. "Maybe." 

He suddenly transformed into his true form, managing to knock me down and pin me to the ground before I could stop him. "Who are you, and what have you done with Yue? What evil has possessed you? Can you still hear me in there, Yue?" 

That was it. I remembered, long ago, Clow had done this...I just needed to remember the exact spot...and despite the pang that brought tears to my eyes to think of Clow, I couldn't stop now. I had to exact my revenge. My fingers were swift and sure as I reached up and-- 

"Yue! What are you doing? No, not that! Anything but that! Stop!" He backed off, gasping for air and still laughing from being tickled. I had tears in my eyes, but I was laughing. Finally laughing. As myself. I stood slowly, keeping a cautious eye on Keroberus to make sure he didn't pounce again, but he merely nuzzled me after I got to my feet. "It's so good to see you happy again." 

"You knew," I accused with a pout. "I wanted to tell you that I'm becoming one with my false form, but somehow you already knew." 

"Of course I knew. I know you better than anyone else alive, Yue. I can tell these things. Well, it helped that Sakura left to get pudding for all of us. There's no other reason you would be eating. Though, I don't understand still why your false form would eat so much! I mean, he eats as much as--" 

"As much as you, Keroberus?" 

He just sighed, nodding. I waited for him to say what was on his mind. "I've missed you. You know that, don't you? When Clow died, it was like--" 

I hushed him, petting him on the back. "I know," I admitted softly. It was like he had lost both of us. He didn't understand, couldn't understand why Clow's death had killed me inside. "I'm still not--I mean, Yukito and I are still integrating, and it will take time. I won't be the same as I used to be, not entirely, but I--" 

It was his turn to shut me up with another nuzzle. "I know," he echoed me. "You never would have tickled me like Clow used to." 

I smiled, nodding. Then Sakura was outside the door, wondering how to open it with her hands full, and I saved the day as always by opening it for her. She prattled on, bantering with Keroberus, until Touya entered with his own pudding. The four of us sat, talking about everything and nothing until supper was ready. She wasn't Clow. She would never be Clow. But, I realized that I could live with that. This moment in time was every bit as good. Besides, this was Sakura-chan. My little sister in a way. If anyone had to be the master of the cards, I was glad it was someone as sweet and caring as her. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

The time between the knock on the door and the actual opening of the door was not quite enough time to return back to my false form. Kinomoto-sensei had to have seen the flash of light, the cocoon of wings enclosing me, but he smiled as if nothing had happened. Keroberus, in his false form suddenly also, looked just as nervous as I did, though he sat still and pretended to be a toy. 

That toy. I couldn't help myself. I laughed to see him sitting like that, remembering all the times he had done the same act around me. Even more funny was the knowing look in their dad's eyes, though he pretended not to notice anything was amiss. "Supper is ready," he said kindly. I laughed harder, recognizing clearly the same expression Clow used to wear when he was keeping a secret. 

Touya and Sakura looked at me like I had lost my mind. I just shook my head and tried to hold the laughter in. There was no way I could explain it, especially not in the time we had to go down to eat. Not only that, but how could I tell Touya...no, I couldn't tell Touya that I saw similarities between his father and my old, dead lover. I was suddenly very glad that I hadn't remembered any of this before when I had to face Kinomoto-sensei. 

Dinner conversation was usual, polite, and uneventful until their dad asked, "So, Touya-kun, how was your vacation?" 

Touya answered, giving details about England or the flight when prompted, but I didn't really hear what they talked about. I was remembering that stolen kiss and my face burned with shame to think that I was sitting at the dinner table with the other half of that soul. I couldn't stand to think about it, but I couldn't stop remembering. 

I love Touya, I told myself firmly. 

I love Clow, part of myself answered in return. 

I have Touya, and that's all that matters, I replied firmly, logically. A few more deep breaths and I was able to look up again. I focused on Kinomoto-sensei again, this time looking at how different he was from Clow. Then I realized I didn't even need that. 

Kinomoto-sensei was the part of Clow that truly was paternal. He was the part that held me close when nightmares woke me at night. He was the part that patiently taught Keroberus and I to control our magic. He was the part that-- 

"Kinomoto-sensei," I interrupted. "Excuse me, but if I may..." I waited and everyone else to nodded, expectantly. "One man made me, but did not want me. One man bought me, but did not use me. One man used me, but did not know it. What am I?" 

"A riddle! I love riddles...how did you know?" He looked simply delighted while he tried to figure it out. 

Sakura looked shocked and confused. Touya shot me a dark look. After a moment I realized...they had read meaning into the riddle where I hadn't intended. I shook my head and smiled, just waiting for the riddle to be answered. I knew it would be eventually, for Kinomoto-sensei clearly had the part of Clow Reed that had taught me riddles so long ago. It wouldn't be difficult at all to simply place Kinomoto-sensei in the roll of the father figure only. 

"I haven't riddled since before Touya was born, but I used to love it. I swear I've heard this riddle before, but the answer is just out of reach." 

Yes, he would have heard it before in a way. Clow had gone to the grave with it, the last riddle he had left me to puzzle out so long ago. I had only finally figured it out while in England when I had given myself some quiet time to reminisce. 

"Can I get back to you about this, Tsukishiro-kun? We have other things to talk about, and if you get me started with riddles we might not stop." 

I smiled. "Some other time." I thought of it as a promise. 

Sakura was nodding, growing animated. "Yukito-san is really good at riddles! You should have seen him when we had the town competition a couple of years ago. He was amazing! We would have won if I hadn't fallen, he--" 

Touya stood, ruffling her hair. "I think we've heard the story before, monster." 

"I am not a monster!" She jumped up and ran after him, playfighting as always. Supper was officially over and we all cleared the table and did dishes together. 

Finally it was time. 

"Dad," Touya began, "I have a lot of things I wanted to talk about tonight." 

It was the glance in my direction that let me know that it was a talk that had been expected for a long time. Sakura just waited patiently, showing that rare restraint that I thought was one of her best traits. She knew when it was time to wait and listen. On the other hand, Touya was a nervous wreck. I sighed, reaching for his hand and leaning over to look in his face. 

"It's okay, To-ya. This is your family." 

He nodded, my quiet words and gentle touch seemed to give him the strength he needed. 

"Dad, you know I've been wanting to move out on my own. That's one of the things I've been saving all my money for from my jobs." 

"Yes, but I thought you had spent a lot of that on your vacation." 

Touya sighed and I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. "I did. I won't be able to afford an apartment on my own yet, but--" He took a deep breath before rushing through the next few words. "Yuki and I have been talking about living together." 

"That's a huge step," Kinomoto-sensei mused. "Yukito-kun, have you two talked to your grandparents about it yet?" 

I choked. I think I paled. Was he asking on purpose? Did he know? If I explained, that would open the door for a lot more questions, and they weren't my questions to answer. 

But, I couldn't lie either. 

I looked over at Sakura who was looking a little pale herself. She chewed on her lower lip, then finally shrugged and nodded. 

"I--I can't. I don't really have grandparents. I've been living alone this whole time." 

No, he looked genuinely startled to hear me say that. He frowned a little, thinking for a moment. "I sense that there is a long story behind that, but I don't think tonight is the night for that one." 

Sakura looked very relieved and Touya relaxed a bit before tensing again. 

"Dad, I did want to say one more thing. Yuki and I are a...have been, uh, dating. For a while." 

I hoped I wasn't blushing as bad as Touya was. 

"I'm glad you finally told me. That's a difficult step in these circumstances. So, moving in together won't be as roommates. It will be the next step in your relationship?" 

"Yes," Touya admitted, still blushing. I just sat there silently, nodding agreement. 

"Where will you two be living?" 

"My house," I admitted softly, my expression somewhere between chewing on my lip and a too-large smile. I felt so awkward, young, and inexperienced. This was completely outside the scope of anything I had experienced before. But, I had to admit, it could be worse. 

"That sounds like a good idea. Welcome to the family, Yukito-kun." 

And, when he said it, it sounded official. Sakura jumped up and wrapped me in a huge hug, giving the greatest smile I had ever seen. "I'm so happy for you two! Yes, welcome to the family, Yue-san!" And, if there were tears in her eyes, they only mirrored my own tears of joy. I felt whole, included, and finally complete. 

~~~~~tbc~~~~~


	8. Resolution

_Final Note: Yes, the riddle from last chapter is answered here. When I first posted that riddle I challenged everyone to answer it. I left a clue in the text, and a hint that there was a story behind why I chose that particular riddle. From the original author's note, "The riddle? Oh yeah...the clue I was talking about is "Clow had gone to the grave with it." I got the idea because a friend of mine went to his grave with the answer to this riddle over eight years ago. He had told it to a friend just a couple of months before he died, and refused to answer because he wanted others to figure it out. Right after his funeral we all sat around telling riddles and that one came up...and we had no idea how appropriate it was for a few months when we found someone who had heard the riddle before. The answer? Anthy and Askani Blue were right. A coffin." _

Those two still get credit for answering before I posted this chapter. I was impressed that people actually got it, and a few people have come forward since then to tell me they knew the answer too. Bravo! That one truly had me stumped for a very long time. 

One final thing. This story takes place in the same timeline as "Solace". If you haven't read that, you might be wondering about the second part of this epilogue. All I can say is, it ties in with that, and takes place a few years in the future when Sakura and her peers are around the age of 21. 

Thank you for reading this. 

* * *

**Not Human**

Resolution

That night Kinomoto-sensei...wait, no, Fujitaka-san...decided to ignore Sakura's enthusiastic cry of my real name. It didn't take long though for him to get the entire story out of Sakura. It was time. 

The full moon brought me out on the roof to bask in the cool glow and feel the energy bathe over me. The delicious burn sang through my veins and my heart fluttered as I gazed at the distant perfection of the glowing orb I was named for. Laying there felt a lot like falling in love, but without the loss of control or absolute surrender to another. It was a sweet intoxication that filled me with so much power I felt lost in the effect. The world around me was both crystal clear and inconsequential as I just lay there, grateful for the good weather. 

Not that that had ever stopped me. 

"The answer is a coffin, Yukito-kun." 

I was startled out of my reverie, surprised that anyone could have sneaked up on me. Fujitaka-san was actually seated next to me, looking as if he had waited a while for me to notice him. I sat up, brushing the hair out of my face and pulling some of the longer strands back. 

That's when I realized what he had called me and what form I was actually in. I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came to me. 

"Yes, I know now who you are. I didn't before, but Sakura told me everything I needed to know." 

"How much did you remember before she told you?" 

"Not much. I didn't want to remember a lot of it. I wanted to be normal. Emotions mostly I think. There were dreams and visions occasionally of you and Cerberus. I didn't try to put them in any kind of context. I somehow knew I didn't have to. I had a different roll to play. Though, in the back of my mind where I didn't have to think about it I was piecing together everything. I couldn't help that, it's who I am." 

"I see." I settled back to bask in the glow some more, but my awareness was utterly captured by the man beside me. "And now?" 

"I understand more, but really nothing has changed. I just thought you'd be relieved to know you don't have to hide anything from me. You can be yourself." 

I smiled appreciatively, looking over at him for a moment. He was enjoying the glow of the full moon also, and I wondered idly what it was like for him. Did his former life as a mage make the energy sing through him? Did this lifetime of being normal reduce the moon in the sky to just another pretty light? Or was it somewhere in between? 

The answer didn't matter. It was just idle curiosity. I had asked Touya what he felt once. He said that before he gave me his magic it had been a heady experience, though nothing next to what I felt. Now he said he felt a silent appreciation for what was and a gentle pleasure knowing that what he missed now had gone for the best of reasons. I gave in to a pang of guilt about that, but the sweet words warmed me. He thought I was worth it and would do it again in a heartbeat. That was the greatest love. 

There was a subtle shift in Fujitaka-san's aura. "Yue, in a few years you will be able to return what was taken. You're right, Sakura still isn't as powerful as I used to be, but when she gets older she will surpass that power." It was Clow's deep voice and soothing presence suddenly, almost removing or replacing the kind teacher for at time. I held very still, not daring to look, not knowing if I'd lose control and cry or beg or do something I might regret. Yet, the message was of hope and a welcome one to hear. 

"I didn't know it was possible." 

There was no reply. There was no need for one. Clow was once again diminished and Fujitaka-san was returned to normal, though with a more thoughtful expression on his face. I pulled my knees up to my chest, pulling my wings close around me to hide from the emotions threatening. I heard the creaking of the ladder behind me this time, heard it removed to where it belonged, and when I was sure I was alone I wept under the moonlight for both the loss of my old love and for the hope of my new love. Finally, finally, I could let myself feel it all. Finally I could let it out. In the moon's cool embrace I let myself feel everything I hadn't let myself deal with before, and when I finally returned to Touya's arms I felt whole. 

~~~~~@~~~~~

New Year's Eve: 

I stare out into the cold night, looking out over the lights of Tomoeda from Eriol's balcony. He had moved back here to spend more time with Syaoran, of all people. I couldn't believe it. I didn't understand it. But he was happy, and that's all that mattered. He was finally happy without me. And that had finally, finally freed me to be happy with Touya. 

The cloud cover tonight blocks out the light of the moon, but that's not important. I feel only slightly diminished by the lack of direct light. It lends itself to my melancholy reverie. It's the first time in a while I've let myself really reflect on what happened ten years ago, how my life changed so completely. 

_Shinpansha Yue. _

Innocent Yukito. 

Which life changed the most? I used to think it was my Yukito half, but as the smiles and laughter continue I realize that even before Clow's death I was never this happy as Yue. 

It was such an extreme difference to have started from anyway. 

I can hear the party going on downstairs, all my closest friends are together for this party. Nakuru-chan was the one who had thought of it, and though I knew everyone thought of it as Eriol's party, I knew it was really hers. This was her new beginning. She had used some butterfly analogy when she explained it to me, confiding in me that this was her way of symbolically letting go of the hope of love forever. 

I couldn't tell her, but I'm holding on to hope for her. She has to let go of Eriol, just like I do, but to live forever without love at all? 

I hope she finds it somehow. If I had never loved Touya, if I had never loved Clow, my eternal life would be so empty it wouldn't be worth living. If she gives up hope, she'll never find how wonderful it can be to just exist, sometimes to just breathe. When I'm with Touya there are times I really just concentrate on each breath and I'm thankful for it. It's a breath we've shared. It's a breath I wouldn't have given up for anything in the world. 

Sakura has found her happiness with Tomoyo also. She told me that she knows for sure that it's true love because there is no magic to blind her. Sakura has become so confident, so much more beautiful with Tomoyo by her side. Her magic is so powerful now too, and I realize it's time to ask her if we can return Touya's magic to him. Maybe it will be a birthday present from both of us, for him to be able to see his mother again. I'm sure she would return just once so he could see how proud she is of him. 

I know I am. 

Someone else needs the solace and peace of the balcony, so it's time to return inside, but these words on the wind...they're both my happily ever after and the beginning of a new story. Life is better that way. 

~~~~~end~~~~~


End file.
